Is Body Image 'Serious Stuff'?

A reader commented on my recent Psychology Today post about what moms can do to help their tween daughters feel better about their bodies, essentially implying that the approach of talking to young girls about their body concerns leads them to believe that body image is, as the commenter put it, "Serious Stuff" to adults.

I've been pondering that comment all weekend. Should a child's body image be "Serious Stuff" to a parent? Is body image something serious?

It is. And it isn't.

Let's start with the "isn't" part. Clearly, there are a great many things in life -- ending war and poverty, feeding the hungry, curing disease, protecting our planet -- that are (rightfully so) more important than what we look like and how we feel about how we look. Spending one's days peering into a mirror and contemplating the width of one's thighs is a colossal waste of a person's time, talents, energy and resources.

And that, I think, is exactly why body image is "Serious Stuff."

I have a sneaking suspicion that those who can't understand why it's important to be at peace with your body -- and to help your daughter be at peace with hers -- have never been that girl whose body loathing is so great that she won't raise her hand in class because to have to walk to the front of the classroom and present her work invites the judgment of her peers. Or the woman who won't put herself in the running for a promotion because her new position would involve public speaking and thus standing up in front of others. Or the teenage girl who has convinced herself that she's so hideous -- that her "flaws" make her so unlovable -- that she'll take the abuse of a boy who's all too happy to use her own self-hatred as a weapon against her.

I don't want to give the impression that I think we should all be talking about body image all the time with our girls, using everything and anything as a teachable body image moment. On the contrary, I'm a firm believer that a mom's quiet example of self-acceptance and healthy self-care helps create an environment where girls can learn to put their bodies into perspective. And when other influences -- peers, the media, boys -- make their way into a girl's psyche, a mom who models a healthy body image for her daughter goes a long way toward buffering those outside influences.

Is a lot of this common sense? Sure. Am I humorless about all of this? Absolutely not. But am I serious about its importance?

You better believe it.

Comments

[Sagan]

I think that "quiet example of self-acceptance" is absolutely key. It never occurred to me to think badly about my body when I was growing up because my mum never exhibited any issues of her own- her exercise was fun activities like skiing and hiking; her eating habits were fairly well-rounded but she indulged. There's so much pressure for UNhealthy body image out there that it's wonderful if a mum can model a healthy attitude!

[Bill]

I always worry about messing with our kids because I go to weight watchers meetings every week. Even though I'm at goal, I need to keep going because the last time I stopped I gained 50 pounds. :(

Now my daughter is getting old enough (almost 5) to wonder where I go every week. I constantly worry that by explaining where I'm going, and why I write down everything I eat (I stay at home with them so they see it all), that I'm going to make her obsess about it... So far the "Daddy is learning how to eat healthily" line is working. Hopefully it stays that way.

[Alyssa]

I agree that actions speak MUCH louder than words. When I was growing up, my mother was constantly on a diet, criticizing her figure, lamenting her weight. And she was thin.
(Needless to say, I learned this behavior from her.)
It is only now, in her 70's, that she has accepted her body and even begun to enjoy it. She swims, kayaks, lifts weights, and travels. I'm trying to do that now, s I'm about to turn 40 and while my kids are still young.

[Andrea Owen]

I believe it is serious stuff. My generation of girls is more educated than any other generation before her. We are getting as many PhD's, and women are matching men in medical school attendance. But eating disorders are on the rise for women in their 30's.

Healthy self esteem and positive body image are the foundation to believing in yourself and living your life. Not wishing you were someone else and waiting to lose weight so you can be happy. It's not easy, but it is serious. Just my humble opinion.

[Jami]

How could anyone not think it's serious?

I'm not a mom and I doubt I ever will be. (Though I have to say "twee" is a moronic term. The word "preteen" was good enough in the 80s and 90s, it's good enough now.) However I am a fat adult, was a fat teen, was a fat preteen, was a fat child.

All my life all I've ever heard from people is how I'm "so talented" and "have such a pretty face" and "just need to lose weight to make something of yourself."

Every single day still, at 32, I hear from my mom about how I need to lose weight to be worthwhile.

A large number of men have told me, "Jami, you're a nice person, but you're too fat to be seen with in public."

I was bullied as a child for being fat. Because of this by the time I was in 6th grade I was so depressed I often thought of killing myself. Worse, in jr. high I went through two years of being sexually assaulted by a group of boys - I never told anyone until I was 26 years old. I honestly thought no one would believe me. After all, all the kids were telling me that I was "so fat and ugly not even a retard would want you." I really thought people would think I was making it up.

At 18 I threw my virginity away on a man I didn't love, who abused me emotionally, mentally, and later physically because I wanted to prove those who said I was so fat and ugly I'd die a virgin wrong. That even as fat as I was I could get a man to sleep with me.

Now I'm 32, 237 pounds. I don't care anymore. I don't date. I don't have any friends. I spend way too much money, more then I can afford. I pick my zits feeling no one will care if I have acne scars. After all, even though I was promised in my school days that when I was an adult people would stop judging me based on my looks - I still get hateful messages on MySpace saying I'm a "fat, ugly beast."

And people wonder if it's really necessary to help their preteen accept their body? I'm living proof that it's essential to help them have a positive body image no matter what.

[Dara Chadwick]

Thanks so much for these comments, everybody. I always appreciate the feedback you give me -- great food for thought.

Sagan and Alyssa, I agree about the importance of example and Andrea, I couldn't agree more about self-esteem and body image being the foundation for believing in yourself. Bill, I'm so glad you stopped by -- we love to have the dads' perspective! I think if you approach your weight loss from the "getting healthier" perspective, you'll be setting a great example.

Jami, I want to thank you for sharing your story with me and my readers. Your experience really drives home how important it is to feel good about yourself -- and how hurtful it is when people judge us solely on what's on the outside. I'm glad you take the time to read and comment!

[Jami]

Well, I couldn't just sit quiet. I just hope others will see how important it is and it takes a lot more then a "Happy to be me" Barbie knock-off. It takes an entire restructuring of our fashion, entertainment, and modeling industries.

Despite all this though, I don't let it hold me back from trying to become a professional singer. I still submit to things and audition. I still sing wherever I can. I love music and I know I'm good at it. It's just too bad most people can't see past the weight and hear the voice instead.

I just don't try to date or make friends or otherwise "get out there."

[Dara Chadwick]

I'm glad to hear that you're letting your voice be heard, Jami!

[EviePj]

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