Does Confidence Attract Bullies?

I'm back from a fabulous trip to Washington, D.C., where I taped a radio interview about my book, You'd Be So Pretty If..., for a show called Parents' Perspective (it'll air in September). Thank you to my hosts, Linda and Sandy, for making me feel so welcome and for inviting me to talk about my passion: helping our daughters -- and ourselves -- feel good about the bodies we have.

While I was away, I was reading through some of the comments on my recent post over at Psychology Today about confidence and the role it plays in how we feel about our appearance. One commenter said something that I can't stop thinking about: "Confidence attracts bullies."

Would you say that's true?

I ask because the subject of peer influence on body image came up during my radio interview, and we talked about how girls often hurl the words, "You're fat," at each other when they really want to hurt. It's an "insult" designed to quickly cut a girl down, when she's guilty of being too smart, too pretty, too popular...you get the idea. When I think about middle-school culture, I have to admit that my commenter has a point. Some girls feel very threatened by another girl's self-confidence -- if you were ever a girl who was accused of thinking you were "all that," you know what I mean.

The commenter also said, "I've always found that when I'm confident about something, that's when people tear me down the most." While it hurts to read those words, I think we have to acknowledge the quiet ring of truth to them: sometimes, when we don't feel good about who we are, we can be quick to turn on those who seem to feel good about who they are.

Envy, jealousy, insecurity -- it's a subject I touch on in You'd Be So Pretty If... Too many times, we see someone who appears to have what we want (whether it's beauty, fame, money, etc.) and we make assumptions about that person and the life she leads. But we can never know the whole story.

If confidence can, in fact, attract bullies, it becomes easier to understand why girls and women often bond over "fat talk" and making negative comments about themselves. It's a way to fit in and to avoid appearing too confident. Think about it: if you were in a group of women who were engaging in "fat talk," would you feel comfortable saying confidently, "I love the way I look."

It's an interesting question, isn't it?

Comments

[Sagan]

A very interesting question. And a sad one, too. But I think there's something to it.

[Jami]

Actually for me it's mostly men whom tear me down. In school it was the girls. And as an adult I get torn down somewhat - but on issues other then looks - by the uber-feminists. (You know the kind - the ones whom ruin things by claiming a man holding open a door for a woman is degrading, even when she has an arm full of packages.) But MEN are the ones who constantly tell me that I'm ugly if I feel confident.

Confidence makes men want to rip a woman to shreds. It does attract bullies.

[Alyssa]

Bullies come in both genders, and I DO think that anytime a woman is confident, she's perceived as being "full of herself" and must be torn down.
I distinctly remember being in 5th grade and thinking to myself that when the teacher called on me, I had to answer as if I wasn't sure about myself or my answer, even if I was. I didn't want the other kids to think I was conceited.
When I lived in New York I (like every other woman) was harassed and catcalled endlessly. If a guy said something and I didn't respond, I was called a "bitch" or worse. Sometimes I was followed and threatened, or grabbed. This happens A LOT. And the only way I knew of to stop it was to move away.

[Jen A. Miller]

Oh, I think it's true. The more success I've had, the more people have tried to tear me down. As a former boss once said "If you were a man, you'd be seen as confidant. But because you're a woman? You're a [rhymes with witch]." I also find that people feel free to make comments about my appearance to me. While being interviewed on TV, I was asked how often I work out. Yikes!

[KCLAnderson (Karen)]

"Think about it: if you were in a group of women who were engaging in "fat talk," would you feel comfortable saying confidently, "I love the way I look.""

A few short months ago I wouldn't have been able to say "I love the way I look" but more and more I am finding that I'd rather engage in "love myself talk" than in "fat talk." I haven't had the opportunity to test it out yet, but I plan on doing so ASAP!

[Dr. Kathleen Young]

Great conversation!

you have me thinking about how often we hear the reverse too: that vulnerability/perceived weakness attract bullies or predators. That and "confidence attracts bullies" both (in my opinion, wrongly) put the responsibility for bullying on the victim!

The unfortunate truth is that some people bully, period. Yes, I can see it being directed at women/girls who appear confident in an attempt to tear them down...because that is threatening still to some. I see that as being caused by sexism/misogyny, not confidence!

The good news about being confident is that it may help you better cope with the negativity of others!

[Deanna Adler]

I think another interesting part to this conversation is the difference in what kind of confidence a person carries. I think the more someone's confidence is rooted in their soul and their true identity, the more it is portrayed as a quiet, non-threatening confidence which tends to draw people in, not cause insecurity that comes out in bullying.

[Dara Chadwick]

Thanks so much for all these great comments, everyone. This is such an interesting conversation -- it's amazing to hear all these different experiences and yet, there's something similar about them.

Thanks for chiming in!

[Jami]

I don't know if that's entirely true, Deanna - I think for some people they live to tear down people no matter how non-threatening their confidence is.

I'm bullied for a large number of reasons. One is the fact I believe in God. I believe the world is too complicated to have come about by random chance. I don't try to preach about it, however, unless attacked, because I believe preaching drives people away from God. However, if I say something as simple as "Thank God" I'll get torn to pieces by people. Even though I did no preaching, no bible-thumping. (I don't believe in the whole "one true religion" thing anyway but rather the Jewish belief that "The righteous of ALL nations shall have a place in the world to come.")

Next is the fact I am an old fashion girl in many respects. When it comes to men I want to be chased, not do the chasing, and I don't find men holding the door open for me as demeaning but rather a sign of respect and good manners. Which makes me a target of many uber-feminists. (The kind who are so nasty and hypocritical they give other sensible feminists a bad name.)

My weight is usually what makes men make fun of me. Though recently after an gynecological exam I find myself wondering how much of my poor self esteem is rooted in being fat, bullied, and being sexually assaulted in jr high, and how much might be rooted in medical exams as a child. I had chronic bladder & kidney problems so there was always someone, usually a man, poking me, proding me, and hurting me "down there." (My first gynecologist was also a condesending jerk with a god complex who deemed me as "abnormal" and said things like that I had "vaginistis from too many bubble baths" and never considered my shrieks of pain were really from an allergy to his latex gloves.) So maybe I cultivated this poor body image as a way to protect myself from sexual intimacy and therefore keep men from hurting me?

(I probably could give our lovely hostess blog fodder for years to come. Or a shrink could write an entire book about me. LOL)

My tastes in music make me a target. I like music ranging from big band to disco plus Broadway musical numbers. Because I'm not "cool" or "hip" in my tastes - and because this is also the type of music I sing - I'm often attacked for not being "with it."

I'm 32 and still live with my parents. Part of this is due to lack of money and trying to pursue a singing career. Some of it is because my mom is legally handicapped after major back surgery and needs me around. This often makes me a target of bullies. They see me as a freak for being an adult whom chooses to live with my parents.

I don't party - another reason I'm attacked by bullies. My idea of a good time is staying at home listening to people like Sammy Davis Jr or Barry Manilow and reading a book. I drink maybe one beer a year.

None of this makes me a bad person. Yet if I dare show any confidence in myself I'm attacked until I want to curl up and die. Which is why I said that cofidence attracts bullies. And not just when it's about looks.

Though it is funny how when the arguement has absolutely nothing to do with looks but rather something else entirely and I can prove the person wrong, backed up with solid facts, the first thing they attack is my looks.