you'd be so pretty if...

'Girls and Body Image: The Importance of Staying Connected' at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about the role of family connectedness over at Psychology Today. 

I'll be back here on Monday with a brand-new post. Happy weekend!

P.S. Did you know that You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own now has a fan page on Facebook? Please stop by and join the discussion.

Not A Minute To Spare

Ever had one of those days? Where you feel like you just can't possibly get everything on your list done and still keep your sanity?

Yesterday was like that.

Unfortunately, on a jam-packed day, the first thing to go is usually exercise. It's a bad decision; not only do I feel yucky when I don't work out, but it's also setting a horrible example for my kids. It's telling them that everybody else's needs are more important than mine. And that making time for my health isn't a priority.

Bad idea.

When I finally finished work yesterday, the kids were clamoring to go the beach, but I desperately wanted to get a walk in. I was about to give up on the idea of walking when I had a flash of inspiration: I'd walk on the beach.

I figured I wouldn't even break a sweat, but I was wrong. Walking barefoot through wet sand and water was more resistance than I'd anticipated and I kept a pretty good pace. I may have looked a little crazy, walking back and forth down the length of the beach while the kids swam, but in the end, everybody was happy.

My point is this: I started off thinking I couldn't possibly fit exercise into my day, but with a little creative thinking, I did. And speaking of creative, check out SqueezeItIn, a Web site that helps busy women find more ways to add exercise into their day.

We've been talking a lot lately about making yourself a priority and taking good care of yourself. What trips you up?  

Be Good to Yourself

On Friday, I had the chance to catch up with a dear friend of mine. She's sweet and funny, and she never fails to make me smile when we're both able to find the time for a long phone call. She's adorable, too -- I'll admit to once feeling a twinge of jealousy at the sight of her bikini-clad body in some family vacation photos.

She's also just started another round of chemotherapy.

In my book, You'd Be So Pretty If..., I wrote about the assumptions we sometimes make about the women around us. Rationally, we know that everyone has problems in their lives and stresses they have to deal with. Still, somewhere deep inside, I think there's a part of many of us that thinks that women who appear to have it all together on the outside -- especially those who seem to effortlessly look great -- are somehow leading a charmed life.

It just isn't true.

Although she reassured me that everything was fine, the fear in the air -- though unspoken -- was palpable. I guarantee you she's not thinking about whether she looks good in a bikini. And, frankly, neither am I.

Ever read those surveys where women say they'd be willing to trade a certain number of years of their life to be thinner or look better? I used to just shake my head at those, but the older I get, the more they make me mad. Read this piece on body image and health for some real perspective. 

The reality is, there are some things I can't control. All I can do is take the best care I can of the body I have. I used to think that taking care of myself was only about the physical -- eating well, exercising, not smoking, etc. But I've come to see that it's about the mental, too. Treating myself kindly, not being so hard on myself and recognizing when I need support are just as important as the physical things.

That's something I've had to learn on my own as I've gotten older. But I'm working hard to model self-kindness for my daughter. By teaching her that it's OK to take a break, say no, pass on an obligation that isn't mine to begin with and -- here's the important part -- make my own needs a priority from time to time, I'm teaching her that taking care of yourself is about taking care of the inside, too.

Are you being good to yourself today?

Body Changes at Psychology Today

Today, I've got a vintage "You'd Be So Pretty If..." post on body changes up at Psychology Today.

I'll be back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Have a great weekend. Oh, and if you missed my guest post about Lifetime's "Drop Dead Diva" on iVillage's NeverSayDiet blog yesterday, here it is. 

Happy weekend!

Seven Tips for Talking to Your Daughter

My Twitter pal and fellow body image warrior Andrea Owen sent me a link to this guest post she wrote recently for the blog, "It Starts With Us." I found myself nodding along as I read Andrea's thoughts, especially when she got to the part about how important it is to talk to our girls. But a recent exchange I had with my 13-year-old daughter made me realize that for some moms and daughters, talking just isn't that easy.

It went like this: My daughter mentioned a conversation that she and I had to a friend of hers and her friend said, "I can't believe you talk to your mom about that!"

When she relayed her friend's reaction to me, I could tell that my daughter was both proud of the fact that she and I talk about such things and concerned that it was OK for her to talk to me because some of her friends don't talk to their moms like we talk. Why don't they? she wondered.

Sometimes, it's fear...or embarrassment...or just plain awkwardness. And sometimes, moms just don't know how to talk to their girls about sensitive topics. But it can be done -- all it takes is a little strategy:

1. Let her lead. If she starts to tell you about something that happened to a friend or a character in a movie or even someone she doesn't know (but heard about), it's often a sign that she wants to open the door to conversation.

2. Tread carefully. Don't swoop in with your opinion or advice. Let her talk. When she pauses, ask gentle questions like, "Why do you think she said that?" or "How do you think that made her feel?" to  keep the conversation going.

3. Listen. That one needs no explanation.

4. Share your experiences -- within reason. Sure, you can talk about your own adolescent experiences, but remember that her experiences might not be anything like yours. Don't assume that because this is how it was for you, that's how it'll be for her. If she says things like, "You don't understand" or "Things are different now," that's your cue to back off and focus on listening, not talking.

5. Keep it confidential. If she shares something with you in confidence, there's no sharing it with your husband, friends or anyone else, unless she's in some sort of danger.

6. Know when to stop. Some topics require more than one conversation. Don't keep pushing; let her talk and when she's had enough, stop. You can always revisit the topic once she's had a chance to think about some of the things you've had to say. Don't lecture or be a broken record; she'll just tune you out.

7. Never use her words against her. I can't stress this enough. If she confides in you or shares something with you, never bring it up during an argument or at other times of emotional distress.

Above all, let her know you love her and that she can come to you with anything. If you keep the door open, chances are, she'll use it.

Can Books Affect Body Image?

My daughter loves to read and one of her favorite books is “Perfect” by Natasha Friend. It’s about a girl who discovers that her sister has an eating disorder.

Now, young adult novelist Sarah Darer Littman has released a new book called “Purge,” which also focuses on a young girl struggling with an eating disorder. I’m sure it’s one my daughter may want to read.

But I worry a little.

To a kid who loves reading, book characters can sometimes become an imaginary peer group of sorts. And since studies have shown that peer groups can have enormous influence on girls and their eating habits – including, possibly, the development of eating disorders – I think it’s only natural to be a bit concerned about what kids are reading and how it might affect them.

My general philosophy toward my kids and the books they choose to read is that they can read anything they want, as long as they’re willing to ask about what they don’t understand and talk about anything they find disturbing. It’s not a philosophy shared by all parents (It was a bit scandalous when I let my daughter read Judy Blume’s "Forever" a few years ago). As a writer and a thinking mom, censorship is against my better judgment. But as a reader, I’m well aware of the power of words.

In the end, I’m a fan of arming kids with information, and books are a great way to take a kid on an imaginary journey that lets them experience the ups and downs of life – whether it’s boy troubles, school woes or, yes, even eating disorders.

What do you think? Were you feelings about your body or your behavior toward it shaped by a book you read or a movie you saw?

'The Power of Fitness -- For Life' at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about "The Power of Fitness -- For Life" over at Psychology Today.

I'll see you back here on Monday with a brand-new post. Happy weekend!

Do As I Do, Not As I Say

If you’ve struggled with your weight and wonder if your daughter will, too, consider this: New research by the EarlyBird Diabetes Study published in the July 13 International Journal of Obesity indicates that girls whose moms are obese are significantly more likely to struggle with weight problems — as are boys whose dads are obese.

 

That probably doesn’t surprise you, since we’re all aware of genetic influences on body type. But here’s the interesting part: The study didn’t find the same connection between mothers and sons — or between fathers and daughters.

 

Why is that interesting?

 

The study’s director, Professor Terry Wilkin, said, “Any genetic link between obese parents and their children would be indiscriminate of gender.” What that means, according to Wilkin, is that daughters are watching their moms’ behavior — and modeling their own based on what they see.

 

There’s no denying a genetic influence on body type. But this study indicates that parental example plays an important role, too.

 

The recommendation? To combat obesity in their daughters, moms should focus on changing their own behavior.

 

Now that’s food for thought.

Chicken or Egg: Body love or Healthy Habits?

I do a lot of reading about body image and yesterday, I came across an article that has me considering an intriguing question: Is my ability to accept my body as it is the result of the effort I’ve put into shaping it, or is the process of taking care of my body a reflection of the self-acceptance I feel?

 

Hmmm….I’m pondering.

 

OK, I’ve got it: It’s both.

 

Spending a year as Shape magazine’s Weight-Loss Diary columnist – with all the workouts, healthy eating and life coaching involved in that process – definitely brought me to a place of self-acceptance. Why? Not because I was suddenly “perfect.” But there’s a new body image perspective that results when you’ve spent a full year making your body a priority. After working so hard on slimming down and getting healthy, I knew – without a doubt – that the body I have is the best body I can have. I have met my body potential, so to speak.

 

At the same time, though, going through the weight-loss process with Shape was not a magic ticket to a healthy body image. If I wanted to, I could still spend time fixating on all the “flaws” I wasn’t able to change. But here’s the thing: I choose not to. Because, really, what does that say to me, to my daughter and to all the other women out there? That I can be the best, healthiest version of myself and still not be good enough?

 

I really loved what Melissa King, the article’s author, said here: “Lose weight because you love your body. Stop trying to lose weight because you hate your body. If it’s not weight you want to lose, but muscle you want to tone, then be active because you love your body…decide you are beautiful now and attack life as a beautiful woman.”

 

Don’t you love that last line?

 

Thanks, Melissa, for that great image. How will you “attack life as a beautiful woman” today?

'A Day in My (Body Image) Shoes' at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about putting ourselves in someone else's shoes over at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a new post. Happy weekend!