My Twitter pal and fellow body image warrior Andrea Owen sent me a link to this guest post she wrote recently for the blog, "It Starts With Us." I found myself nodding along as I read Andrea's thoughts, especially when she got to the part about how important it is to talk to our girls. But a recent exchange I had with my 13-year-old daughter made me realize that for some moms and daughters, talking just isn't that easy.
It went like this: My daughter mentioned a conversation that she and I had to a friend of hers and her friend said, "I can't believe you talk to your mom about that!"
When she relayed her friend's reaction to me, I could tell that my daughter was both proud of the fact that she and I talk about such things and concerned that it was OK for her to talk to me because some of her friends don't talk to their moms like we talk. Why don't they? she wondered.
Sometimes, it's fear...or embarrassment...or just plain awkwardness. And sometimes, moms just don't know how to talk to their girls about sensitive topics. But it can be done -- all it takes is a little strategy:
1. Let her lead. If she starts to tell you about something that happened to a friend or a character in a movie or even someone she doesn't know (but heard about), it's often a sign that she wants to open the door to conversation.
2. Tread carefully. Don't swoop in with your opinion or advice. Let her talk. When she pauses, ask gentle questions like, "Why do you think she said that?" or "How do you think that made her feel?" to keep the conversation going.
3. Listen. That one needs no explanation.
4. Share your experiences -- within reason. Sure, you can talk about your own adolescent experiences, but remember that her experiences might not be anything like yours. Don't assume that because this is how it was for you, that's how it'll be for her. If she says things like, "You don't understand" or "Things are different now," that's your cue to back off and focus on listening, not talking.
5. Keep it confidential. If she shares something with you in confidence, there's no sharing it with your husband, friends or anyone else, unless she's in some sort of danger.
6. Know when to stop. Some topics require more than one conversation. Don't keep pushing; let her talk and when she's had enough, stop. You can always revisit the topic once she's had a chance to think about some of the things you've had to say. Don't lecture or be a broken record; she'll just tune you out.
7. Never use her words against her. I can't stress this enough. If she confides in you or shares something with you, never bring it up during an argument or at other times of emotional distress.
Above all, let her know you love her and that she can come to you with anything. If you keep the door open, chances are, she'll use it.
Where were you when I was a kid? I'm 32 and my mom still breaks all of these. And every single issue, even if it's just my discussing a bird I saw, comes back to my weight. Until I want to run screaming. (I learned long ago not to fight back. Everyone sides with mom.)
I wish there had been someone like you back in the 80s and 90s that would've told all this to my mom. Maybe it would've made a huge difference in the person I am now. Maybe not.
I'd say these things apply to adult daughters too. Just because we're grown ups doesn't mean what moms do and say don't still hurt or help us.
Posted by: Jami | 07/22/2009 at 07:08 AM
Great advice. We need you giving pep talks to all the mums out there!
Posted by: Sagan | 07/22/2009 at 08:33 AM
Beautiful article! Thanks! It's so important for daughters to feel that they have the soft place to land and be able to confide in their mothers. My Mom was amazing! I knew that she would always be there to support me regardless of what I needed to confide in her...that doesn't mean that she always agreed or didn't need to set things straight (many times), but I knew that no matter what, everything would always be ok. That's so important to a growing girl.
Posted by: Rhonda Olsen | 07/22/2009 at 11:21 AM
Thank you Dara for this! After I wrote it I thought, "It's really just that simple, but at the same time it's not"- I hope parents don't give up after just one try!
Posted by: Andrea Owen | 07/23/2009 at 05:41 PM
As a psychotherapist, life coach and eating disorder specialist, it's an artistry to learn how to connect and maintain the connection with your growing daughter. I have a particular affinity with teenagers and their Moms. Moms are so hungry for advice and direction. Daughters can be so very sensitive and we have to remember how it was for us with our Moms. The tips are wonderful and let me add as your daughter grows up, mine is 19 going on 20, it really does get so much better. Being a great listener and advising when she wants it is the key. Being an acessible, unconditionally loving Mom, make her want to come to you for anything and everything. Knowing that she has to make some of her own mistakes to learn, ie: to begin to respect and take good care of herself and body is a process that starts with us. She watches us like a hawk.
One reassuring note: It is so worth it, that smile and the joy of seeing her grow, eventually into a young woman, can't be beat!
Posted by: Arden Greenspan-Goldberg L.C.S.W. | 07/25/2009 at 02:58 PM
If any one want to ask me I question as well feel free to check my web www.askarden.com for my contact info. I will be put up a blog shortly on Advice from the heart for Mom and her teenage daughter.
Arden
Posted by: Arden Greenspan-Goldberg L.C.S.W. | 07/25/2009 at 03:00 PM