you'd be so pretty if...

Let's Challenge Each Other Today

Ever had that uncomfortable moment where you're listening to a friend or acquaintance repeatedly run herself down? You know the moment I mean -- the one after you've offered the usual reassurances: "Of course you're not fat!" "What? I don't see any crows' feet!"

It's the moment where someone almost argues with you -- "Yes, I am so fat. Look at this roll!" -- and it leaves you wondering what more you can do to let her know that you simply don't see what she sees.

It's got me wondering: What should we do when a friend, a sister, a mother, a daughter puts herself down in our presence?

I recently came across this article from the Brisbane Times in Australia. It asks the question of whether gyms should intervene when members are suspected of having eating disorders. That issue aside, the article has made me ask myself about my responsibility when another woman reveals her body image struggles.

Now you might say I have no responsibility in that situation. But I disagree. While none of us can take responsibility for another person's self-esteem or body image, there are times when I feel obligated to challenge what's being said.

But "challenge" is the key, I think. Words like "Of course you're not fat" often go in one ear and out the other, as my dad used to say. Even my 13-year-old daughter eyes me skeptically sometimes when I compliment her -- almost as if to say, "You have to say that. You're my mother."

A more effective approach, at least with my daughter, has been to say, "What makes you say that?" when she criticizes herself. As she starts to explain, I can logically refute just about all of what she's saying. And sometimes, as she's explaining, she figures out for herself that her criticism just isn't true.

Challenging negative thoughts and statements about our bodies is the equivalent of taking a giant step back, away from the emotion that can cloud our self-image. When we're able to separate ourselves from body criticisms, we see things -- and ourselves -- much more clearly. It's like looking at an old picture of yourself and realizing that the body you thought was so hideous at the time was actually just fine.

Just for today, let's all challenge each other when we hear someone say something negative about her body -- or about herself. I will if you will.

Let me know how it goes.

Healthy Choices for Kids...and Moms

Now that we're a few weeks into the back-to-school routine, things should be smooth sailing, right? Um, not in my house...every year, the transition from summer to school means a major overhaul of the schedule and it takes a while to settle into new work, home and workout routines.

We also struggle with new healthy eating challenges as we try to accommodate school, work, sports practices, music lessons and meetings. Fortunately, Melissa Kirdzik -- the fabulous dietitian who taught me everything I know about healthy eating -- is here with some suggestions to help make healthy choices easier. It's meant for kids, but the information is applicable to us moms, too. Read on for some great tips from Melissa:

• Make sure your child eats breakfast to improve brain function, attention span, stabilize energy and maintain a healthy metabolism.

• Send your kids to school with plenty of low-sugar fluids (milk and water are best) and encourage them to use the water fountain to keep hydrated.

• Don't make juice a part of breakfast...if you are providing a healthy variety of foods, the sugary juice will not be missed. Include whole grains, fiber and protein foods at lunch to help with hunger and energy.

• Pack snacks for long days...afterschool programs, sports and appointments make for a long gap from lunch to dinner.  

• Make sure they get plenty of sleep. Eight hours or more will help your child stay focused and avoid getting run down, stressed and sick.

• Encourage activity before meals and homework. This will help encourage a healthy metabolism, and increased blood flow will help your child focus better on his or her work. 

• Set small goals to stay on track. Try a breakfast or exercise chart on the fridge to get them more involved in monitoring their own healthy choices.

As usual, Melissa's common-sense approach makes healthy choices a snap. Thanks for stopping by, Melissa!

'Be Kind to Your Body Today' at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about the importance of being kind to your body at Psychology Today.

I'll be back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Checking In...

So sorry I missed yesterday's post -- my office is in a state of upheaval (for good reason -- I'm getting new floors). The whole experience has been a great reminder about the pressure of trying to be "perfect."

But more on that tomorrow...for now, thanks for bearing with me.

Good Morning, Gorgeous!

Tonight, I'll be speaking to a local book group that's reading You'd Be So Pretty If... (If your book group would like to read it, I'd be happy to call in to be part of the discussion...email me!). One of the things I'll be talking about is the story behind how the book came to be -- and, in many ways, that's a story about words: The words we use to talk about ourselves.

I love Twitter's search feature as a tool for keeping up with body image topics in the news. But it's also a quick inside view into what a bunch of people are thinking and feeling. A recent search brought up not only mentions of news articles on the topic, but also snippets from people tweeting about their bad body feelings. Here's just some of what I read:

• "I'm tired of hating myself."

• "It's so hard to stay motivated when you feel you look like a whale."

• "Nothing goes right when ur feeling self-conscious."

Ouch.

Besides not feeling good about themselves, these tweeters share something else in common: A recognition that body image is about so much more than what you see in the mirror. Got a big presentation at work today or an important test in class? What does it do to your confidence if you can't stop thinking about how awful you look?

Quite simply, the words we use to talk about ourselves can dictate the kind of day we're going to have.

So just for today -- it's Monday, after all -- I want you to look in the bathroom mirror, smile a big smile and say to your reflection, "Good morning, gorgeous!"

I know, I know...it's tough to do without laughing, isn't it?

It's a silly little exercise, but throughout the day today, whenever you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about your appearance or your body, I want you to think of me and say to yourself, "Good morning, gorgeous!"

One of two things will happen: Either you'll realize how often you're critical of yourself in the course of a day or you'll be giggling so hard that you won't have the energy to criticize.

Either way, I hope you'll remember the power of the words you use to talk about yourself...and be a little nicer to that person you see in the mirror.

'What Do You Think? It's Your Choice' at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about how kids' thoughts shape who they become at Psychology Today.

I'll be back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

A Word About Boys...

In honor of my son -- who's home sick again today for the fourth day in a row -- I thought I'd take a moment to address the topic of boys and body image. On Monday, I wrote a post about remembering my time in the eighth grade, now that my daughter is an eighth-grader, too. 

Reader Molly commented, "I would add that women should do the same for their sons - they learn a lot about what to value (and expect and accept) in women from their mothers."

That's very true, and I'm glad Molly brought it up.

When I took my son to the doctor Monday night, he stepped up on the scale and found that he'd gained six pounds since his last visit. As he stepped off the scale, he looked over at me and I had the sudden feeling that he was watching my face for a reaction. "Is that bad or OK?" I could almost hear him thinking.

Of course, it's OK. What isn't OK is that growing children have somehow been made to feel that putting on weight is inherently wrong.

Because of my own body image history, I'm quite aware of how my feelings toward my body affect my daughter's body image. But as Molly points out, we can't forget that our feelings affect our sons, too. Not only do boys have their own concerns about their bodies -- Am I too fat? Why aren't my muscles bigger? -- they're also learning lessons of their own about what's important to women and how women should look. In the Jeffrey Zaslow article I mentioned in Monday's post, Zaslow quoted one fourth-grade boy as saying, "Fat girls aren't like regular girls. They aren't attractive." 

As moms, we create expectations in our sons -- consciously or not. I'm forever grateful to my mother-in-law for expecting my husband to iron his own clothes and clean up after himself when he was a teen. Because she expected him to do those things for himself, he doesn't expect me to do those things for him now.

We can also create healthy body expectations in our sons. By honoring our bodies, treating them healthfully and speaking kindly about them, we can teach our sons to honor the bodies of the women they'll someday love.

Time Traveling

One of the most interesting things about being the mother of a teenager is that I'm now experiencing teenage life from the other side -- in other words, because I remember so clearly what it felt like to be the age my daughter is now, I'm able to look at the events in her life not only through the lens of my own memories, but through the eyes -- and, hopefully, with the wisdom -- of an adult.

She's in the eighth grade now. And I'll preface all of this by telling you that eighth grade was the single worst year of my teenage life, chock full of changes, academic challenges (algebra, anyone?) and a well of self-loathing that felt like it had no end.

Pretty, huh?

I happened to come across this article by Wall Street Journal reporter Jeffrey Zaslow, in which he re-visited a story he wrote back in 1986 (what a great bit of journalistic time traveling). The article, "Girls and Dieting, Then and Now," is an interesting look back at a group of fourth-grade girls who admitted to dieting back in 1986. Zaslow re-interviewed the now-grown women -- many of whom have children of their own -- to get a sense of how things have changed for girls when it comes to their bodies, dieting and the way they see themselves.

The consensus? They haven't.

Girls today, my daughter's age and younger, face plenty of pressure to conform to a certain look. But let's not forget that what they see at home -- whether it's a mom who constantly jumps on the scale or a healthy, happy mom who couldn't care less about a number -- is teaching our girls what we think about weight, our bodies and how much it matters (or doesn't). What we value in ourselves, whether it's a low weight, good health, a smaller size pair of jeans or the ability to run a marathon, sends a constant message to our daughters about what we value in them...whether we intend to or not. If you were 14 and your mom was constantly complaining about the ugly five pounds she just can't lose, would you believe her when she says you're beautiful just as you are?

Though traveling back in time isn't an option, seeing eighth grade all over again through my daughter's eyes is a chance to reflect on where I've been and how far I've come in my journey from adolescent girl to grown woman. It's also a reminder to watch the body behavior I'm modeling. Because adolescent girls in the throes of body changes and insecurities need to see living proof that things are going to get better -- not grown women still agonizing over all the ways they're not good enough.

Teaching girls to value and accept themselves starts with valuing and accepting ourselves. So the next time you're tempted to criticize your body or point out its flaws in front of her, here's my advice: Don't.

Someday, she'll thank you for it.

"Self-acceptance vs. self-improvement" at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about self-acceptance versus self-improvement over at Psychology Today.

I'll be back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Have a great weekend!

P.S. You'd Be So Pretty If... has a fan page on Facebook. Please join us!

"I've Got A Secret..."

"I've got a secret..."

Those are words I've been hearing a lot lately, usually just before someone leans in and confides that she once had an eating disorder...or hates her body...or worries that she'll never, ever be happy living in the body she has.

Back when I first proposed writing my book, You'd Be So Pretty If..., I had a hunch that my very personal -- and sometimes painful -- experience with my body image would be something other women could relate to. I knew that my very personal worries about passing on a tendency to focus on my body's flaws to my daughter were worries that other moms could relate to, also. Ultimately, I knew that my deeply personal experience was, in some ways, universal to all women.

But disclosing that experience wasn't always easy. Mostly, I tried not to think about what other people would think of me.

When the book was published, those who read it first were those who knew me best. Reactions ranged from "I never knew" to a good friend's words: "I was surprised by how revealing this book was."

Oh, dear. Talk about feeling naked in front of the crowd!

Now, as word spreads about You'd Be So Pretty If... and more and more people are reading it, I'm getting the chance to experience the most rewarding part of writing a book like this: Hearing from readers who say that the book has helped them work through their own painful experiences and given them tools to treat themselves better -- not just for their daughters' sake, but for their own. They tell me their stories, and I'm reminded of how the very act of revealing what you're so afraid someone else will find out can be incredibly empowering -- and liberating. It was like that for me when I shared my weight with the world as Shape magazine's 2007 Weight-Loss Diary columnist. And it's been like that again since You'd Be So Pretty If... hit bookstores a few months ago.

Letting go of those body image secrets -- those heavy burdens -- is the easiest way I know to drop what's weighing you down.

Going to the annual National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) conference in Minneapolis this week? Be sure to look for You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own in the on-site bookstore.