Let's Challenge Each Other Today

Ever had that uncomfortable moment where you're listening to a friend or acquaintance repeatedly run herself down? You know the moment I mean -- the one after you've offered the usual reassurances: "Of course you're not fat!" "What? I don't see any crows' feet!"

It's the moment where someone almost argues with you -- "Yes, I am so fat. Look at this roll!" -- and it leaves you wondering what more you can do to let her know that you simply don't see what she sees.

It's got me wondering: What should we do when a friend, a sister, a mother, a daughter puts herself down in our presence?

I recently came across this article from the Brisbane Times in Australia. It asks the question of whether gyms should intervene when members are suspected of having eating disorders. That issue aside, the article has made me ask myself about my responsibility when another woman reveals her body image struggles.

Now you might say I have no responsibility in that situation. But I disagree. While none of us can take responsibility for another person's self-esteem or body image, there are times when I feel obligated to challenge what's being said.

But "challenge" is the key, I think. Words like "Of course you're not fat" often go in one ear and out the other, as my dad used to say. Even my 13-year-old daughter eyes me skeptically sometimes when I compliment her -- almost as if to say, "You have to say that. You're my mother."

A more effective approach, at least with my daughter, has been to say, "What makes you say that?" when she criticizes herself. As she starts to explain, I can logically refute just about all of what she's saying. And sometimes, as she's explaining, she figures out for herself that her criticism just isn't true.

Challenging negative thoughts and statements about our bodies is the equivalent of taking a giant step back, away from the emotion that can cloud our self-image. When we're able to separate ourselves from body criticisms, we see things -- and ourselves -- much more clearly. It's like looking at an old picture of yourself and realizing that the body you thought was so hideous at the time was actually just fine.

Just for today, let's all challenge each other when we hear someone say something negative about her body -- or about herself. I will if you will.

Let me know how it goes.

Comments

[Melissa]

What a great post, Dara. I'm always uncomfortable when people say "I'm so fat!" because sometimes, they ARE overweight; what do you say!? I've tried to curb a lot of my own commentary ... to keep it to myself, vs. broadcasting my every thought. Or if someone says, "You look good," instead of saying, "but ..." I just smile and say thank you. I swallow the insult on the tip of my tongue because it helps no one to hear it. It makes the person who complimented me feel uncomfortable if I have a retort; so why bother making one?

I think saying, "Why do you think that?" or "Why do you say that?" are great ways around an uncomfortable situation.

As you noted, "emotions can cloud our self-image." Definitely good food for thought.

[Jean Fain]

Dara,
I respectfully disagree. Logic isn't all that healing. A gal who makes the "I'm so fat" comment may back down in the face of your logical argument, but her internal argument is generally more persuasive than any argument you might come up with.
Rather, I think it's compassion, and maybe a little reflection, that's called for, something like, "It sounds like you're really struggling right now." Or "Wow, you're really judging yourself harshly."
Jean Fain

[Dara Chadwick]

Thanks, Melissa and Jean for weighing in. Jean, I certainly see your point and I think compassion is always called for. But I think logic really can work, especially with younger women who are pitting themselves against impossibly high standards of what "beautiful" looks like. I've also seen challenge work in knee-jerk situations where women are engaging in "fat talk" as a bonding activity. But I agree -- compassion has to be part of any challenge. Thanks for making that point!