My Inner Good Girl Gets Selfish

I've got a confession to make: I struggle with boundaries.

More to the point, I struggle with giving myself the same level of attention and care that I give to family, friends and work. Case in point: Last night was my yoga night, but it was also the night before the first day of the new school year, I had multiple things to get done and everyone seemed to be clamoring for my attention. It was one of those nights where it felt like it would be so much easier to just say, "That's alright. I'll skip yoga tonight because you all need me."

Translation: "I'll put off taking care of me so that I can cater to you -- even though you're fully capable of doing what needs to be done."

Sound familiar?

I'll admit that I almost didn't walk out the door. But then I caught this clip of my colleague Rachel Simmons on the TODAY show. Rachel was being interviewed about her brand-new book, The Curse of the Good Girl -- a look at the expectations we teach girls to have of themselves and their own behavior. 

I recognized myself.

Growing up, my mom always put herself last...and I know she sometimes resented the role she put herself in. Honestly, as a kid, I wasn't sure my mom even had needs. Only when I became an adult -- and especially, a mom -- did I begin to understand what it must have felt like to be her...to take care of everybody but you.

I had a life-changing shift during my year as Shape magazine's Weight-Loss Diary columnist, when I worked with a life coach who taught me to say, "This is what I need."

But I still struggle at times...like last night.

That's why when I heard Rachel say, "Be the mom who takes a yoga class and can't drive car pool," I slipped on my shoes and headed out the door.

See, it's not just about me and what's good for my health and well-being. It's also about what's good for my daughter and my son. Yes, it's important to be kind and nurturing and willing to be there. Being their mom will always be my most important priority. But just as I try to teach them the importance of balance and moderation in exercise and eating a healthy diet, it's my job to teach them to balance their relationships and their behavior, too.

Thanks, Rachel, for the reminder. Can't wait to read the book.

Comments

[Melissa McCreery]

Great post--and on a topic I am passionate about. As someone who works with busy women struggling with emotional eating, I see this as a place where lots of people get stuck. Self care is what fuels us to be our best selves and to give what we want to share with others. It's also so true that when we model the ability to prioritize our own needs, we are doing something VERY powerful for the others we are nurturing. It's how they will learn the habit for themselves. Thanks!

[Mathew Edvik (Teen Esteem Council)]

As Jim Rohn says, "I'll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me." If I take care of myself then I actually have something to give. If I just push my needs off so that I can fulfill someone else's needs all the time then I don't develop my skills, interests, and abilities and have less to give.

[Kristen De Deyn Kirk]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Last night at Back to School night, I saw one friend standing up in front of us as the PTA secretary and another recruiting new PTA members. I came home feeling like a slacker, but also knowing I didn't want to do either of those things. I'll keep telling myself -- be the mom who goes to yoga class, be the mom who goes to yoga class, be the mom who goes to yoga class

[Melissa]

Awesome post, Dara. I'm not a mom yet, but I tend to be pretty selfish with my gym-time. Now I see how maybe it can be a positive -- to put my needs out there, too.

[Jennifer Haupt]

I love this! For me, I need to be selfish sometimes so that I have more to give.

[Sagan]

If we start to resent our position, then it's time to take a step back and reassess.

[Jami]

You know, it's funny. I've always tried to get my mom to say no to people. After all, she always encouraged me to do it if I felt overwhelmed. I just can't get her to do it, however.

No matter how many times I tell her that she doesn't have to say "Yes" to everyone, she still does.

[Michelle @ A Shade of Gray]

Finding balance is something I am continually striving for. That was a great post (and reminder)!

PS - Finished your wonderful book and now a friend is reading it :-)

[Dara Chadwick]

Thanks for these great comments, everybody. It seems like self-care is something many of us struggle with (and, Jami, I'm intrigued by the fact that your mom encouraged you to take care of yourself, but had such trouble doing for herself). Very interesting.

Michelle, thanks so much for the nice words about my book. I hope your friend is enjoying it, too!

[Jackie Dishner]

Jami, keep telling your mom this message. It'll sink in.

Great post, Dara. Perfect for me today. I having things I want to do and keep putting them off for things I need to do for someone else. This is the message I needed to be reminded of today. Thanks.

[Alyssa]

A very timely message for me, too! I have been feeling resentful because everyone around me was getting time off, taking breaks, doing things they wanted to do, etc., while I was taking care of everyone and everything. And feeling guilty for feeling resentful, then getting angry for feeling guilty.
It's an emotional merry-g-round, lol!
I need to keep telling myself that just because I'm the mom doesn't mean I live to serve, that I lose myself, or that I don't deserve to put my needs first once in a while.

[Jami]

Like I've said before, I could, by myself, be a heck of a book for any psychologist who wants to put in the work.