One of the most interesting things about being the mother of a teenager is that I'm now experiencing teenage life from the other side -- in other words, because I remember so clearly what it felt like to be the age my daughter is now, I'm able to look at the events in her life not only through the lens of my own memories, but through the eyes -- and, hopefully, with the wisdom -- of an adult.
She's in the eighth grade now. And I'll preface all of this by telling you that eighth grade was the single worst year of my teenage life, chock full of changes, academic challenges (algebra, anyone?) and a well of self-loathing that felt like it had no end.
Pretty, huh?
I happened to come across this article by Wall Street Journal reporter Jeffrey Zaslow, in which he re-visited a story he wrote back in 1986 (what a great bit of journalistic time traveling). The article, "Girls and Dieting, Then and Now," is an interesting look back at a group of fourth-grade girls who admitted to dieting back in 1986. Zaslow re-interviewed the now-grown women -- many of whom have children of their own -- to get a sense of how things have changed for girls when it comes to their bodies, dieting and the way they see themselves.
The consensus? They haven't.
Girls today, my daughter's age and younger, face plenty of pressure to conform to a certain look. But let's not forget that what they see at home -- whether it's a mom who constantly jumps on the scale or a healthy, happy mom who couldn't care less about a number -- is teaching our girls what we think about weight, our bodies and how much it matters (or doesn't). What we value in ourselves, whether it's a low weight, good health, a smaller size pair of jeans or the ability to run a marathon, sends a constant message to our daughters about what we value in them...whether we intend to or not. If you were 14 and your mom was constantly complaining about the ugly five pounds she just can't lose, would you believe her when she says you're beautiful just as you are?
Though traveling back in time isn't an option, seeing eighth grade all over again through my daughter's eyes is a chance to reflect on where I've been and how far I've come in my journey from adolescent girl to grown woman. It's also a reminder to watch the body behavior I'm modeling. Because adolescent girls in the throes of body changes and insecurities need to see living proof that things are going to get better -- not grown women still agonizing over all the ways they're not good enough.
Teaching girls to value and accept themselves starts with valuing and accepting ourselves. So the next time you're tempted to criticize your body or point out its flaws in front of her, here's my advice: Don't.
Someday, she'll thank you for it.
Excellent, excellent point. I would add that women should do the same for their sons - they learn a lot about what to value (and expect and accept) in women from their mothers.
Posted by: molly | 09/14/2009 at 03:23 PM
Great advice!
My mother was ALWAYS on a diet, as were most of my friends' moms. We all talked about going on diets by the age of 8.
By the time I was in college I was bulimic, and when grad school came along, so did anorexia.
It has taken me 20 years, but I'm FINALLY learning to accept and appreciate my body. And I hope by the time my kids are teens the world will have changed enough that we don't judge people based on looks.
Posted by: Alyssa | 09/14/2009 at 06:01 PM
I like that advice. I'm pretty sure that's why I was completely without body image issues of any kind for such a long time- because my mum never did bash her body.
Posted by: Sagan | 09/15/2009 at 08:38 PM
I remember dieting in 8th grade. Dieting. How ludicrous. I'm still not thrilled with my weight, but I'd never use the word "diet" in front of my daughter. Thanks for a great post.
Posted by: Kim | 09/16/2009 at 04:29 AM
Thanks for all these great comments, everybody. Seems like 8th grade was a tough year for all of us!
Posted by: Dara Chadwick | 09/16/2009 at 05:46 AM