Can I Trust My Body?

Anyone who's followed my story through this blog -- or read my book, You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own -- knows that I don't own a scale. After spending a year in a very public relationship with the scale during my time as Shape magazine's Weight-Loss Diary columnist, I vowed to break up with it -- not because I don't want to know what I weigh, but because I've realized that it doesn't really matter. The number that appears on that metal box might be a measurement, but it's just one measurement. It's not a reflection of my value as a person, of my self-discipline, of my worth or even, necessarily, of my health.

Instead, I've vowed to rely on how I feel, how my clothes fit and what I know to be true about the way I've been treating myself as measures of my "progress" toward my goal of living healthy. It's been my premise that I could essentially maintain my weight loss -- and my healthy habits -- simply by trying to make good choices most of the time, while saving room for occasional treats (and surprise appearances of friends bearing chocolate cake at my door -- you know who you are!).

So last week, as my annual check-up approached, I was surprised to find myself growing apprehensive. Getting on the scale is part of most doctor visits and even though I've changed my relationship with it, I suddenly felt nervous. All this time, I've been telling myself and others to simply trust their bodies.

What if my theory didn't work? What if I couldn't trust my body after all?

Just before I stepped on the scale, I tried to let go of any self-judgment about the whole thing and just be curious about the result. As I stepped up and watched the nurse slide the balance into place, she said, "Oh. You're maintaining your weight."

I'm not going to lie: I was thrilled.

But I wasn't thrilled because the "number" made me more worthy, prettier, smarter, a better mom, a better friend or any of the other things we too often tell ourselves about weight. I was thrilled because the number -- that one measurement -- helped confirm what I wholeheartedly believe to be true: That by taking good care of ourselves and being kind to our bodies, we can settle into the place that's healthy for us.

The place that's exactly where we're meant to be.

Before I took on the Shape project, I wasn't in that place. I didn't get enough exercise, my nutrition was lousy and I made everybody's else needs more important than my own. The experience helped me change that and brought some balance into my life. It was hard then, but now it's easier. I still have days where I don't have time for the workout I want, but I try to do something. There are still chocolate cakes that magically appear; now, I enjoy my piece and make the next meal or snack a healthier one.

I'm not anywhere close to perfect, but I don't have to be. I can trust my body.

After all these years, we're finally at peace.

Comments

[Sagan]

"It doesn't really matter". Aaaahhhh breath of fresh air! Am so glad you've found peace, Dara.