Top Tips For Talking to Your Tween. Period.

Aunt Flo...the Curse...your "friend" -- or even, as a group of girls I once knew called it, "Bertha." Today, we're talking periods -- that rite of passage that means you're finally a woman.

I can remember being about 10 years old, snooping through some of my mom's stuff and coming across a booklet called, "How Shall I Tell My Daughter?" Tell me what? I remember thinking...I was, after all, her only daughter. I felt too guilty about snooping to open the booklet, so I just walked away.

But for days afterward, I was haunted: Tell me what?

Yesterday, I came across the cover of that very booklet in a new book called Flow: The Cultural Story of Menstruation by Elissa Stein and Susan Kim. One glance at it took me right back to that awkward, uncomfortable time when I was dying to know what being a woman was all about -- and my normally talkative mother didn't have much to say on the subject. Though she was revered by my friends as the "cool" mom and  there were many things she'd talk about that'd make other moms blush, "periods" were something that always seemed to make her...well, quiet.

She called it "her friend" -- Really? Was it really a friend? -- and referred to pads as "sanitary napkins," which always gave me the willies. Once I started my own period, she loosened up on the topic and we shared many a not-fit-for-print joke, but back then -- at that age when I so desperately wanted to grow up, or at least to know everything there was to know about growing up -- she was strangely quiet on the subject.

I've always tried to be open with my daughter about all things menstrual (and, give me strength, I even answer questions for my son, too, if he has them). But reading through Flow, it's easy to see why that "time of the month" was a difficult topic for my mom. It was a different time with different attitudes. The book is a fascinating look at the history of cultural attitudes toward menstruation, complete with a sometimes laugh-out-loud, sometimes heart-breaking retrospective of feminine products advertising.

I'll admit I chuckled at some of the euphemisms for menstruation included in the book (I once made a male friend spit beer in college when I referred to "riding the cotton pony"). I especially liked the one used in Denmark: Der Er Kommunister i Lysthuset.

Translation? "There are communists in the funhouse."

I'll wait for you to stop laughing...

My point, and I do have one, is that body changes are often fraught with anxiety. Our girls suddenly begin to put on weight, their skin breaks out, they feel sad...no wonder they're confused. They need to know that what's happening is normal. That these changes aren't something to be ashamed of, or a problem to be solved. No, it's not always comfortable to talk about these topic, but when we do, we remove the shame. We tell our daughters, "Hey, it's not just you."

With that, here are my top five tips for talking to your daughter about menstruation:

1. Take advantage of moments. Is there anything more uncomfortable than when your mom wants to have "the talk?" Ugh. Rather than trying to blurt everything out "Menstruation 101"-style, allow natural conversations to develop. Classic example: The first time she sees a pad or tampon and asks, "What are those for?" That's your cue, Mom.

2. Keep it brief. Think snippets of information, not lectures. If she wants to know more, she'll ask, and you can share the next snippet. If a horrified look crosses her face? Shut it down, and save it for another day.

3. Explain the "why." Some moms forget this part. She needs to understand why she'll have a period for the next few decades of her life. Make sure she knows it's part of her body's normal process of preparing for motherhood, not just some sort of cosmic punishment for being born with a vagina.

4. Hit the library. If she likes to read, you'll find some great books that put things in her terms. From Judy Blume's classic, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (I think I still have my copy!) to the super-informative American Girl's The Care & Keeping of You (how I wish I'd had this book as a kid!), books are a great way to help her get the information she needs. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about what she reads.

5. Remember your role model status. I know, when you're PMSing or dealing with cramps, you don't want to think about being a role model for your daughter. But you know you are. Model healthy self-care by eating right, getting a bit of exercise and helping her understand that sometimes, it's OK to feel a little down or sit and relax with a nice cup of tea when you're not feeling well. Let her see that menstruation is neither an excuse to wig out on everyone around you, nor a reason to stop your regular activities. Good role modeling means showing her that this is all normal for healthy women. Remember, your attitude toward your period shapes her attitude toward hers.

What about you, readers? What did your mom teach you about periods? I'd love to hear your comments!

Comments

[Marsha @ Green Mountain at Fox Run]

Great tips, Dara. I don't really remember talking to my mom about it. I grew up on a farm and I knew the facts of life before I knew much of anything else. So any talk about menstruation must have just been another conversation for me.

For my daughter, I intuitively followed your tips. And she never had a problem with it. Although she did watch Coneheads on television once, and the childbirth scene terrified her. I've had to spend some time calming her down about that since. :)

[Audrey, My Gifted Girl]

Great advice! My mom just told me a story about how she got her period and no one told her to expect it or what it was so she freaked out. She was horrified when it happened. It was a funny story for me at the time as I thought about my mom at that age fearing for her life when it started.
That story was all I really needed.

My girls are 8 and 6. The 6 year old has confused tampons with some sort of lip stick applicator and opened a whole box asking what the cotton was for. I haven't had the talk with my 8 year old, but something tells me she already knows. I'll give it some time.

[Alyssa]

My mom was pretty open about it, and I must've read "Are you there God, it's me, Margaret" about 27 times. We also had The Assembly at school.
I was the last of my friends to get my period, and I remember the day I did, because I had never known such pain, lol! I kept thinking "If this is it, I don't want it!" When I got home, my mom was still at work and my dad, bless him, went to the store to buy my pads. He was a little overwhelmed at the selection, but he did great.
I try to be a good role model for my daughter, but I do get cranky and crampy. (Hey, 2 of the premenstrual dwarves!)

[Dara Chadwick]

"Premenstrual dwarves" -- you crack me up, Alyssa! Your dad was a real trooper.

Audrey and Marsha, thanks for sharing your stories. It's so interesting how different families handle the topic in different ways.

[RockAndCookies]

I bought "The Care and Keeping of You" for my daughter (now nine-and-a-half) two years ago. We read it together as the need arises and last year she called it "The Book" (said with a tone like one might say "The Escaped Inmate" while telling a scary story) now this year, she calls it "My Growing up girl Book" and it is a must-have.

My mother told me, ONCE, when I was in the third grade: "At some point you or one of your friends might start bleeding, and you won't know why, but it's okay, it's normal." Bleeding from where? My ear? Mysterious/spontaneous arm wounds?

[Dara Chadwick]

Hi, Rock and Cookies...it's so nice to "meet" you. I love "The Care and Keeping of You," and wish I'd had it when I was a young girl.

I'm giggling at your mom telling you that you might start bleeding from "somewhere."

Thanks for stopping by and for commenting!