you'd be so pretty if...

Is It Time to Change Your Body Image Story?

As I sat in church yesterday, listening to the pastor preach about the value of sharing stories within our families, I was struck by something he said: "We're all just one generation away from being forgotten."

Well, that puts life into perspective, doesn't it?

What he meant was that if we don't share stories of our ancestors with our children, our ancestors will soon be forgotten. I get that; after all, my son -- who was just five when my mother died -- remembers her vaguely as the grandma who always had gum in her purse. If I want him to know her, as I did, it's up to me to keep her alive in his memory by telling him who she was, what she meant to me and most importantly, how much she loved him.

As I listened yesterday, though, I couldn't help thinking about the flip side of the "one generation away from being forgotten" comment. When it comes to mothers, daughters and the body image legacy, that might turn out to be a good thing.

Many women can recall hurtful things said to them by their moms, or comments their moms made about themselves that affected how the women came to see their own bodies over time. But recalling is one thing -- passing on to the next generation is something entirely different.

The pastor's words were a great reminder to me that I can take all the good qualities my mom passed on to me -- like a sense of humor, compassion for others and a willingness to pitch in and help -- and try to instill them in my own kids. As for the not-so-good qualities, like a tendency to be self-critical and to be disappointed in myself when I don't reach the high standards I've set? Well, I can work to change that legacy, simply by being conscious of it. I can change the body image story I tell myself -- and the one I choose to tell my daughter.

I can choose to let negative body image and its accompanying demand for perfection be "forgotten."

What about you? Are you happy to pass along your body image legacy or are you consciously choosing to create a new one for your daughter?

Tips for Teaching Kids to Make Healthy Choices at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about my "Top 3 Tips for Teaching Kids to Make Healthy Choices" over at Psychology Today.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving...see you back here on Monday with a brand-new post!

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5 Reasons I'm Thankful I'm Not Perfect

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving and honestly, I was prepared to sit down and write a very serious post about being thankful for my body and its good health. I am, of course, thankful for my body and its good health. But I'm also thankful for what I've learned over the last few years.

In that spirit, I give you my top 5 reasons I'm thankful that I'm not perfect. Here goes:

1. Perfect is boring. That's why I love amateur sports, children's artwork and live music. Our "flaws" are what make us special and unique. Really.
2. Perfect is exhausting. Ever had people in your life with whom you felt like everything had to be "just so?" You know those people who'd be horrified if they walked into the morning chaos in your house? Now, compare that to the easy feeling you have with a good friend -- the one who just brushes away the crumbs on the counter and pretends not to see the dog hair on the floor. When you're not trying to appear perfect, you don't have to work so hard.
3. Perfect is lonely. Trying to make someone think you don't have any flaws or faults or insecurities keeps them from getting to know the real you -- and you from getting to know them. "Perfection" can be a wall.
4. Perfect is unsustainable. Nothing stays the same. Lives change, feelings change and bodies most definitely change. All we can do is learn to recognize glimpses of perfection in the ordinary moments of every day -- and be grateful for them.
5. Perfect isn't real. But happiness is. And fortunately, the first isn't necessary to achieve the latter.

I'm grateful for my perfectly imperfect healthy body and my messy, flawed life.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Your Lifestyle: Whose Choice Is It?

A few days ago, I wrote a mini-rant on the fact that my kids' school has banned all food and drink from classrooms (except water) in the name of helping kids make healthier choices. My argument was that removing the choice doesn't teach kids how to make a choice. Interestingly, opinion from readers was divided between those who felt that they should be in control of what their kids eat and those who felt that restricting choice teaches kids to crave what's denied them -- and to eat those things in secret.

Ultimately, we all have to learn to make our own choices. But I couldn't help thinking about this conversation when I read this AP story about students at Lincoln University in Pennsylvania. The gist? According to the story, the university is requiring overweight students (according to their BMI) to take a class called "Fitness for Life" in order to receive their degrees. Students with a BMI of 30 or above are being required to take the class, according to the AP.

Like the new policy at my kids' school, this feels like a case of good intentions gone too far.

Yes, we want to teach children to make healthy choices. Yes, we want to encourage people to exercise. But shame and restriction should never be part of that process. For me, balance and moderation are the keys to learning to live a healthy lifestyle. And sometimes, finding balance results from being out of balance for a time.

I applaud the university's teaching of the course. I even applaud making it a required class. But, please...make it a requirement for everyone. After all, people of "normal" weight -- and even those who are underweight -- can be just as guilty of making unhealthy choices as someone whose BMI classifies them as obese.

'Girls and Body Confidence' at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about girls, body confidence and why I want to be like my daughter at Psychology Today.

I'll be back here Monday with a brand-new post.

Happy weekend!

'Finding Happiness in the Middle' at Fat Girl's Guide to Living

Hi, all:

I'm late with posting today because I was hanging around over at The Fat Girl's Guide to Living. Check out my guest post on finding happiness in the middle.

Thanks for having me, girls! 

Kids and 'Bad Foods': What's the Real Danger?

I was speaking with another mom recently about the lunch program at our kids' school -- actually, we were talking about how much our kids hate the lunch program since it was "overhauled" by a well-meaning school wellness committee.

Gone are the fries and other assorted foods that someone has labeled "bad." In their place are veggies, whole-grain entrees and other assorted items labeled "good."

Let me start by saying that I wholeheartedly applaud the decision to offer healthy lunchroom choices. But here's what I don't applaud: The committee's decision to eliminate food in classrooms. That means no more birthday cupcakes, no more food-as-part-of-special-celebrations and no more food as a teaching tool.

Oh, dear. Where do I start?

As a parent who is working hard to teach her children about balance and moderation within the overall scope of healthy eating, I'm disturbed by the idea of teaching kids that certain foods are "bad" and certain foods are "good." How will they ever learn to decide for themselves? And I think many of us are well aware of what can happen when you make a food off-limits -- it suddenly becomes that much more appealing, doesn't it?

Last year, my daughter's science teacher did a unit on the parts of a cell. One assignment was to make an "edible cell" to share with the class. Kids came up with all kinds of creative ways to show the parts of a cell, some yummy and some not so much. This year, that project doesn't align with the new food guidelines.

I understand that childhood obesity is a problem. There are lots of kids out there who need direction in learning to make healthy choices. But choice is the key word in that sentence. When you're denied the opportunity to make choices, you don't learn to make them. And, too often, when you get the opportunity to have what you've been denied, moderation goes out the window. After all, who knows when the opportunity will come again?

What do you think, readers? How do you teach your kids about nutrition and healthy eating?

The 'Body Image Trickle Down' Between Moms and Girls at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about how body image "trickles down" from moms to their daughters at Psychology Today.

I'll be back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Happy weekend!

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Top Tips For Talking to Your Tween. Period.

Aunt Flo...the Curse...your "friend" -- or even, as a group of girls I once knew called it, "Bertha." Today, we're talking periods -- that rite of passage that means you're finally a woman.

I can remember being about 10 years old, snooping through some of my mom's stuff and coming across a booklet called, "How Shall I Tell My Daughter?" Tell me what? I remember thinking...I was, after all, her only daughter. I felt too guilty about snooping to open the booklet, so I just walked away.

But for days afterward, I was haunted: Tell me what?

Yesterday, I came across the cover of that very booklet in a new book called Flow: The Cultural Story of Menstruation by Elissa Stein and Susan Kim. One glance at it took me right back to that awkward, uncomfortable time when I was dying to know what being a woman was all about -- and my normally talkative mother didn't have much to say on the subject. Though she was revered by my friends as the "cool" mom and  there were many things she'd talk about that'd make other moms blush, "periods" were something that always seemed to make her...well, quiet.

She called it "her friend" -- Really? Was it really a friend? -- and referred to pads as "sanitary napkins," which always gave me the willies. Once I started my own period, she loosened up on the topic and we shared many a not-fit-for-print joke, but back then -- at that age when I so desperately wanted to grow up, or at least to know everything there was to know about growing up -- she was strangely quiet on the subject.

I've always tried to be open with my daughter about all things menstrual (and, give me strength, I even answer questions for my son, too, if he has them). But reading through Flow, it's easy to see why that "time of the month" was a difficult topic for my mom. It was a different time with different attitudes. The book is a fascinating look at the history of cultural attitudes toward menstruation, complete with a sometimes laugh-out-loud, sometimes heart-breaking retrospective of feminine products advertising.

I'll admit I chuckled at some of the euphemisms for menstruation included in the book (I once made a male friend spit beer in college when I referred to "riding the cotton pony"). I especially liked the one used in Denmark: Der Er Kommunister i Lysthuset.

Translation? "There are communists in the funhouse."

I'll wait for you to stop laughing...

My point, and I do have one, is that body changes are often fraught with anxiety. Our girls suddenly begin to put on weight, their skin breaks out, they feel sad...no wonder they're confused. They need to know that what's happening is normal. That these changes aren't something to be ashamed of, or a problem to be solved. No, it's not always comfortable to talk about these topic, but when we do, we remove the shame. We tell our daughters, "Hey, it's not just you."

With that, here are my top five tips for talking to your daughter about menstruation:

1. Take advantage of moments. Is there anything more uncomfortable than when your mom wants to have "the talk?" Ugh. Rather than trying to blurt everything out "Menstruation 101"-style, allow natural conversations to develop. Classic example: The first time she sees a pad or tampon and asks, "What are those for?" That's your cue, Mom.

2. Keep it brief. Think snippets of information, not lectures. If she wants to know more, she'll ask, and you can share the next snippet. If a horrified look crosses her face? Shut it down, and save it for another day.

3. Explain the "why." Some moms forget this part. She needs to understand why she'll have a period for the next few decades of her life. Make sure she knows it's part of her body's normal process of preparing for motherhood, not just some sort of cosmic punishment for being born with a vagina.

4. Hit the library. If she likes to read, you'll find some great books that put things in her terms. From Judy Blume's classic, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (I think I still have my copy!) to the super-informative American Girl's The Care & Keeping of You (how I wish I'd had this book as a kid!), books are a great way to help her get the information she needs. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about what she reads.

5. Remember your role model status. I know, when you're PMSing or dealing with cramps, you don't want to think about being a role model for your daughter. But you know you are. Model healthy self-care by eating right, getting a bit of exercise and helping her understand that sometimes, it's OK to feel a little down or sit and relax with a nice cup of tea when you're not feeling well. Let her see that menstruation is neither an excuse to wig out on everyone around you, nor a reason to stop your regular activities. Good role modeling means showing her that this is all normal for healthy women. Remember, your attitude toward your period shapes her attitude toward hers.

What about you, readers? What did your mom teach you about periods? I'd love to hear your comments!

Author Interview: Sarah Maria, "Love Your Body, Love Your Life"

Today, Sarah Maria joins me to talk about her brand-new book, Love Your Body, Love Your Life. Sarah Maria was also one of the women I interviewed for my book, You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own. Read on for what she has to say about making peace with our bodies and why we've been perfect since the day we were born.

What inspired you to write Love Your Body, Love Your Life?

I decided to write this book because I experienced first-hand the intense pain, suffering and agony that can accompany Negative Body Obsession, eating disorders and low self-esteem. I also know that freedom from this hell is completely possible. I want this book to reach people who are struggling with any and all of the above.

I also wrote this book to help people think critically about concepts such as beauty, as well as the beliefs, thoughts and ideas that so many people take for granted. Beauty is a socially-constructed phenomenon. Different body types, different looks and different sizes are considered beautiful at different times in history. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, curvy and voluptuous was considered stunning. In this culture in this century, thin and muscularly toned is considered sexy. When people recognize that there is no inherent truth in these concepts of beauty, that it is, in fact, a cultural preference that changes over time, it helps to dissolve this illusion that how they look is somehow tied to their value and self-worth as an individual. For many people struggling with a negative body image, they believe that how they look is somehow indicative of, or related to, their self-worth as individuals. Nothing could be further from the truth. When people realize that it is a cultural phenomenon, they can begin to free themselves from the whims and preferences of other people and the world around them, and instead discover and experience their own inherent and unique beauty.  

The book is designed to help people transform the way they feel about their bodies and themselves. The goal of the book is to help people create and experience a body and a life that they truly love. For most people, body dissatisfaction has been a life-long struggle. The goal of this book is to help people know that they can free themselves from this struggle. Freedom from Negative Body Obsession is completely possible. But as you rightly observed and pointed out, the material covered in the book can be applied to any area of your life or part of yourself that you struggle with. The principles apply, whether the issue is Negative Body Obsession or some other type of pain, compulsion, obsession or addiction. It is really about helping you discover your power to overcome any challenges and create what you love. As part of this, I work one on one with people as a coach. I also teach classes and plan on offering some tele-seminars in the New Year. The focus of everything I do is helping people discover and uncover the perfection that they already are and create a life that they love.

What did you learn while writing this book that most surprised you?

What most surprised me about writing the book was the level of inspiration that I felt. I knew absolutely nothing about writing a book when I started. Fortunately, I had a solid proposal and outline that I had developed, but I had no idea what exactly I was going to say. I just had a general idea of the principles I wanted to cover. I needed to write the entire book within a very short time period – a few months to be exact. I woke up at 4 a.m. to write and worked every day throughout the whole summer. Magically and mysteriously, I was filled with energy, enthusiasm and inspiration, and I learned everything I needed to as I went along. It was an intense experience and one that I am incredibly grateful to have gone through. It showed me how much is possible with inspiration and dedication.    

 

What’s the most important thing for women who would like to make peace with their bodies to know?

The most important thing for a woman to know is that you were born perfect. You were born beautiful. You were born perfect, and you will remain just as perfect and just as beautiful every day of your life. For many people, their lives have been a progressive covering up, a progressive eclipsing of this perfection. The media projects a standard of what is considered beautiful. Parents have their own views about what is attractive and acceptable. The medical profession has its opinions about what is healthy. Significant others and even children might have an opinion about what is beautiful. From the day you were born, other people’s beliefs and opinions get progressively layered onto your view of yourself. Your perfection is progressively obscured. As an adult, your path to healing, your path to peace and well-being is to fastidiously remove these false beliefs and opinions, to remove anything that prevents you from knowing and experiencing yourself as the perfection that you are. Tell yourself that you were born beautiful, that you were born perfect, and that anyone else’s opinion is their opinion, and you can choose whether or not you want to listen to it. Constantly affirm your perfection and your self-worth, and wholeheartedly disregard anything that runs contrary to this reality.

 

What advice might you give to someone who wants to improve her body image, but doesn’t know where to start?

The best thing you can do is set a clear intention to improve your body image. If you have a history of struggling with your body image, chances are you have no idea how to improve it. Simply set a clear intention to learn to feel great in and about your body and yourself. Then, begin to look into all the resources that are available to help you improve your body image. Obviously, I recommend taking a look at my website, www.breakfreebeauty.com, signing up for my free weekly e-zine, checking out the products, etc. If a negative body image is truly hurting and minimizing the quality of your life, I recommend you get professional assistance, whether through a therapist, coach or some other type of professional. I offer individualized coaching specifically because it can be so valuable to have someone who has lived through negative body obsession to help guide you on the path. But there are many teachers and resources available. The key is finding someone you trust, someone with whom you feel a connection.

Also, become aware of the messages that you are internalizing. Do you look at magazines and then feel horrible about your body? If so, probably smart to avoid those magazines and find other ones that make you feel good. Do you have friends who make you feel bad about your body? If so, consider spending time with people who help you feel great about yourself. You can begin to make conscious choices about what you allow into your awareness that will help move you in the direction you want to go.

Thanks, Sarah Maria, for stopping by. You can learn more about Love Your Body, Love Your Life here.