Moms & Daughters: Tips for a Holiday Food Truce

With the holidays almost upon us, it's time for that annual tradition: The veiled (or not-so-veiled) criticism, passive-aggressive comments and "I'm just joking" teasing that often passes for mother-daughter communication during this time of year.

Whether you're an adult daughter heading home for the holidays or a mom concerned about her daughter's Christmas cookie habit, there's a good chance you'll hear something that makes you say, "What did she mean by that?" -- or, worse, makes someone else say that about you.

Here are a few bits to keep in mind this week:

• The only person you can control is you. If mom's pushing pie on you and you'd rather not partake, don't. It's that simple. On the flip side, mom, if you offer a treat and your daughter says, "No, thanks," try not to see it as a judgment of you, your cooking or your mothering. It's just pie.
• You don't have to voice every thought you have. If your daughter has, in fact, put on weight since the last time you saw her, trust me, she already knows. Telling her will just create bad feelings. On the flip side, daughter, if you've become a vegetarian since your last visit home, now is not the time to launch into a judgmental critique of your parents' meat-eating habits. Save it for another day.
• Watch the "helpful" suggestions that really aren't. Mom, if you're concerned about your daughter's weight, please don't say, "Wouldn't you rather have some nice salad?" when she reaches for the candied yams. If you don't want her to eat candied yams, just don't make them. No food should be off-limits to just one person at the table.
• Build the right kind of holiday memories. Alcohol, stress and fatigue can make many of us short-tempered and quick to speak. Remember that your words and actions are building memories -- do you really want your daughter to remember holiday dinners as events where she felt judged and not good enough? Trust her to make her own decisions about food and honor the person she is -- not just the outer package she comes in.

Comments

[Sagan]

Great tips! I think these are all ideas that every mother and daughter should take a look at...