Playing the Numbers Game

A male journalist friend of mine recently asked an interesting question: Why are some women so reluctant to reveal their ages?

When researching stories, he said, he often asks interview subjects how old they are and he's noticed that some women tend to clam up or get suspicious -- "Why do you need to know my age? -- when asked the question.

Personally, I have no problem revealing my age. But I'm also still relatively young -- unless, of course, you ask my children, who will gladly tell you I'm old -- proving, without a doubt, that age is a matter of perspective.

I also tend to think of myself as young; in fact, I'm constantly surprised by other people's ages. Case in point: At an event the other night, I met a lovely woman who I considered sophisticated, polished...you know, mature. Somehow, she worked her age into the conversation and I was shocked when she revealed that she was several years younger than me. Maybe that's a testament to my own insecurities -- that I automatically assume I'm younger than women who really seem to have it all together.

It reminds me of what my mother once told me when I was around 16. She said, "You know how old you feel inside right now? That's how old you're always going to feel."

Age, it seems, is a lot like size. Yes, there may be an arbitrary number on the calendar or on the tag inside your jeans. But what really matters is how you feel about that number -- and about yourself. Choose to see yourself as youthful and vibrant and your "age" is suddenly less important. Choose to see yourself as healthy and fit, and suddenly "size" is no longer so important either...unless, of course, you allow other people's judgments about those numbers to affect you.

Sure, there are people who think a woman in her 40s is no longer young, just as there are people who think a woman who's a certain size can't possibly be beautiful. What do they know, anyway?

If telling your age bothers you, then don't. If the size on the tag of your jeans makes you feel bad, take a pair of scissors and cut it out. If the number on the scale fills you with angst, don't step on it.

It's time we women stopped playing the numbers game. Just for today, let go of those arbitrary numbers and just be. And don't forget to notice how great it feels.

Comments

[Karen Bannan]

Well said, Dara! I definitely think it goes back to wanting to remain relevant. Men won't want "old" women, so we don't want to let them in on the secret that we're old. Meanwhile, men age gracefully, and people like Hugh Hefner can have not one but three teenage girlfriends. (Which makes me want to puke, BTW.) Double standard endures...

[Sagan]

It IS all about how you feel.

My mum loves telling people her age because they're always shocked at how "old" she is. They expect that she's at least ten years younger (really). It's a tribute to how she feels and acts... we should be proud of our age, no matter WHAT it is!

[Jami]

My mom has always driven me crazy by ADDING 5 years to her age. When she was 55 she'd tell people she was 60. Now she's 66 and she tells people she's "in her 70s."

I don't know why she does it. Except for the fact that we both tend to look younger then our years. So she really wants to play it up.

I think some of our focus on age comes from the entertainment industry. Did you know that American Idol actually has an age limit of 28? In fact, I read a number of books about getting into the music business and they all said the same thing. "If you're over 30, give up. No one wants to buy an album by someone over 30."

Um, okay, then how come Barry Manilow (66) is still making #1 albums? How come Susan Boyle - over 40, I believe - is such a phenom?

They say that people like Manilow and Boyle are "flukes." I say that if the music industry would remember that the listening public actually cares more about TALENT then age or looks there'd be a LOT of 30+ year olds, all the way up into their 80s and 90s, who'd have #1 albums and the Britneys, Mileys, etc would be on the bottom of the charts.

I don't lie about my age. And I will NOT give up on singing just because some narrow minded idiots think I can't make it because of my age.

But as long as the entertainment industry only gives us the 20s and unders and the public doesn't complain, things won't change. We need to show that we care more about talent then age. Because in the end, it's about the money for the entertainment people, and as long as they think we care more about age then talent, they'll keep making us think that being younger is better.

[Charlotte]

I'm about to be 54. The other day I was out to lunch with three women--one in her 30s, one in her early 40s, one in her late 40s. The waiter asked for my order first. When the check was ready, he gave it to me. Later, I told my husband, Wah! I look old. The two women in their 40s look haggard and have more wrinkles than I do, and he STILL knew I was older. Husband said, There's nothing more beautiful than a calm, glowing, older woman who's at peace with herself and exudes an air of authority. That's why he gave you the check.
OK, so maybe it's a bit of flattery, but...it kept me from reaching for the hair dye.

[Lady Cardigan]

Charlotte, when I'm out with older women, waiters etc. often address me and ignore the other women (embarrassing for me, and unwelcome since I am shy) -- I've always assumed they are prejudiced in favor of the youngest adult, not the oldest, so maybe the waiter thought you looked young!

It doesn't bother me to say I'm 43. It does bother me to be that age, a little bit, but no point in hiding it. I am what I am.

[Dara Chadwick]

Thanks for these great comments, everybody, and welcome to my new readers. Charlotte, I love what your husband told you -- and I think he's spot on.

Karen, I think you're right. There certainly is a double standard when it comes to men, women and aging.

Sagan, your mum sounds like a great healthy aging role model!

Jami, I hope you never give up your passion for singing.

Lady Cardigan, you're right: We are who (and what) we are. I suspect that happiness lies in letting go of the expectation that we can -- or should -- be something else.

[sarah]

found your post via a link from Already Pretty and love it! I'm only 29, but I honestly don't give a whit about age, and I hope I always feel this way. First crow's feet are starting to show around my eyes and I love them, actually - for one thing, my older brother discovered this Christmas that we have Dad's crow's feet (how great is that? A family who laughs and wrinkles together!), and for another, I think the lines that weather our faces and the grey hairs that sprout are really beautiful. They chart lives, and living means surviving and time etching your experience on your form. Granted, I'm not wild about having blown out a knee three years ago, or my spine starting to degenerate early thanks to a minor birth defect, but still. I hope I always embrace the number, whatever it signifies to anyone else, for the lived experience it will always stand for to me.

PS - your mum is brilliant, with that comment she made to you at 16. It's so dead on - everyone I meet feels the same way - but I don't think I've ever met anyone who was actually TOLD that when they were still a teen. She sounds like a really savvy lady!

[KH]

Well, it depends. I don't volunteer my age and prefer to let people make assumptions (which are usually much younger than I would expect). I work with a lot of men and younger people and if they knew my real age, they would immediately pigeonhole me into a category that really has nothing to do with the person I am, my interests, priorities, or goals. Yes, I could work to show by example that their assumptions/stereotypes are wrong and put up with the "old lady' jokes with grim amusement, but it's a case of picking my battles and not wanting to put in the time/effort to educate these wankers. My friends, family, loved ones are another story...I say why give people ammunition/volunteer info that will just be used against you? On the other hand, I'll gladly tell anyone my weight, which is always more than they guess and something I've worked for by lifting weights and fitness. :)