On Monday, my friend Karen Bannan over at Natural As Possible Mom wrote this heart-felt post about her body image struggles. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I haven't seen the movie "It's Complicated" -- to which Karen refers in her post -- but I'm reminded of a scene from one of my all-time favorite movies, "Terms of Endearment."
Shirley MacLaine's character, who's about to get busy (for the first time in years) with her next-door neighbor, stands looking at herself in the mirror. As she runs her hands over her stomach and arranges her negligee, she never says a word. But we can read her thoughts loud and clear: Do I still have it?
It's a question we women often ask ourselves. Aging, motherhood, a too-busy schedule that leaves little time for exercise -- any and all of these things take a toll on our bodies. And when we look in the mirror and see that toll with our own eyes, it's hard to believe the men in our lives don't see it, too.
Yet they tell us we're beautiful. And we wonder: Does he need his eyes checked?
I'm kidding, of course.
But I'd be lying if I said that on the days when I'm focusing only on what I think are my flaws, it's a little hard to believe that my husband doesn't see them.
Then again...it's not.
Rarely do I notice the changes the years have brought to my husband; in fact, it's usually only when I look at old photos of us that I realize we're both changing. When I look at him, I see the same guy I've always loved...the one who makes me laugh, listens when I'm sad and ignores the light I read by when my insomnia's raging at 2 a.m. -- even though it wakes him up. I don't notice the changes in him...and he's as attractive to me as ever.
Wouldn't it be great if -- just once -- we could see ourselves through the eyes of the men who love us?
I loved this bit from Karen's post:
"And it hit me at that moment that I am so lucky. He really doesn’t see the small poof I have at my waist or the stretch marks on my inner thighs. All he sees is the woman he loves. And I guess that means that I have to love her, too."
That really hits the nail on the head, doesn't it? It reminds me, too, of something I often tell moms: If our daughters think we're beautiful and we do nothing but put ourselves down and point out our flaws, we teach them not to trust their own sense of beauty. We're teaching them that their opinion doesn't matter. By accepting ourselves -- changes and all -- we validate the feelings of those who love us.
And that's a beautiful thing.
Great post! I think we all can recognize what you and Karen describe. And we all still have it. Ofcourse we do!
Posted by: Karin | 01/13/2010 at 03:19 AM
Great post, as usual Dara. I've struggled with the same thing: wondering how my husband either doesn't see or doesn't care, or even better, loves those things about my body that I seem to hate (but am getting better at loving). And then there's advice a wise friend once gave me: don't point out your flaws to your man unless you WANT him to notice.
Posted by: Karen (KCLAnderson) | 01/13/2010 at 04:49 AM
GREAT post, Dara!! After a 35-lb weight loss in 2004, I've gained 10-15 lbs over the past few years and I gotta say, my husband loves my body even more now that when I was at my thinnest. I never understood it then -- to me, I was skinny and more desirable in my mind ... but to him, he saw me suffering. Now, I'd like to lose a little--but it's only for me. He loves me and my body regardless. It's hard to understand, but our men do see us in that amazing way that sometimes we just can't see ourselves (or don't want to)
Posted by: Melissa | 01/13/2010 at 06:02 AM
AMEN!!!! My husband always tells me I'm hot, which I love, lol!
I think we still buy into our gender roles; women must be attractive, while men must provide the loot. Even when women earn plenty and their husbands worry about their own crow's feet. We forget that a good marriage is a partnership, made of respect, trust, love, and compromise. I finally realized that if I believe my husband is going to cheat on me because I'm not pretty enough, then I don't trust him, and that's a BIG problem. And if he DID cheat because he thought I wasn't pretty enough, ditto. Those kinds of problems are more than skin deep!
Posted by: Alyssa | 01/14/2010 at 09:13 AM
Thanks, everybody -- I love hearing all these experiences!
Posted by: Dara Chadwick | 01/15/2010 at 09:52 AM