you'd be so pretty if...

Your Daughter Wants Plastic Surgery: What Do You Say?

I know what you're thinking: I say, "Hell, no."

And generally, that would be my response, too. But what if your child had a physical attribute that she really hated -- one that made it impossible for her to look at herself in the mirror and see anything but what she hates so much? Something she got bullied about or made fun of or sexually harrassed about?

Would it be a different story then?

For me, it might.

Take a look at this story on Tuesday's TODAY Show. Take a moment to watch the video.

Is your answer still the same?

I'm generally a fan of "flaws" -- after all, they're what make us us. But what about when a "flaw" becomes an object of shame or humiliation?

As moms, we want our girls to love themselves, just as they are. We want them to know that they don't have to change themselves for anybody.

It's a slippery slope, for sure, to think: "If I could just change this, I'd be happy."

It's one of those situations where it's hard to know what I'd do. For me, though, I think much would depend on the circumstances. Any wish along the lines of "I want to look more like...." would probably be a no. Ditto for "I wish my [insert body part] wasn't so..."

But "Every time I look at my [insert body part], I hate myself."

That might be a different story.

What do you all think? Are there circumstances in which you'd let your teenage daughter have plastic surgery?

 

Expand Your Reading List: Great Blogs to Check Out

It's not easy to live a healthy lifestyle -- or to raise a daughter who feels good about her body -- without support. After all, there are plenty of influences out there tellling us all that we're not good enough, just as we are. That's why I'm grateful for the support and encouragement I get from my fellow body image and healthy lifestyle bloggers. If you haven't read any of the terrific blogs below, I encourage you to check them out:

A Weight Lifted

Beautiful You

Eat Without Guilt

Fitarella

Fit Bottomed Girls

Kiss My Assets

Live Your Ideal Life

Living Healthy In the Real World

MizFit

Never Say Diet 

Skinny Scoopers

Venus Vision 

Why Weight

Happy reading!

My "Best Beach Body" at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about my "best beach body" at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post! 

Be Careful, Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Yesterday morning, as I was doing some weight sets and watching the TODAY show, I happened to catch this interview with actor Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was talking with Meredith Vieira about her new book. It's a book about all that she's learned about love and dating.

She's smart and adorable, of course. But I was struck by something she said during the interview:

"At 31, there's still so much more I need to know about myself before I can completely give the perfect version of me to somebody."

I almost dropped a weight on my foot.

"Come on, Meredith," I pleaded. Say something.

And right on cue, Meredith said, "Will there be a perfect version?"

Jennifer laughed and said that she hoped so. It wasn't much more than a blip in the interview, but I was gratified to see Meredith challenge the notion of perfection -- even just a little bit. After some more pleasantries about love and life, Meredith also asked Jennifer about the "unflattering" photos of her that made the tabloids a few years ago and her struggles with body image.

Jennifer said that body image isn't an issue for her, but that she worries about the young girls who look up to her and were being told that her body wasn't "good enough."

I think that's admirable. But I think it's just as important to teach young girls that there is no such thing as "perfect." 

There's only human. Flaws and all, it's good enough. 

Can 'Healthy' Go Too Far?

I'm not a psychologist or an eating disorders expert.

But I know my fair share about being a woman who once hated her body and has now come to a place of self-acceptance and peace. I also know first-hand what it's like to raise a daughter and to worry that I've passed on a legacy of bad body feelings to her.

Most of you know by now that I'm all about balance. But balance isn't simply about getting all the right nutrients. It's also about recognizing that there's a place for treats in a healthy diet -- and that while exercise is important, there's also a time for resting.

I've ranted here before about how troubling I find the overzealous focus of the Health & Wellness Committee at my children's school -- the one that won't allow food in the classrooms for celebrations or as part of curriculum (Farewell, edible cell project). That's why I was thrilled to read this article by Dr. Dina Zeckhausen -- who is an eating disorders expert -- about "orthorexia," defined as "an obsession with eating only healthy food."

It's so important that our kids get the message that balance is a vital part of good health -- especially our girls, who in trying to be "good" girls who want to please us, can all too often take their behavior to the extreme.

I hope you'll take a moment to read Dr. Zeckhausen's article. I particularly loved the "donut vs. bagel" tip -- especially when her son applied it to a friendship.

What do you think? Can healthy go too far? How do you encourage your kids to make healthy, balanced choices?

Psychology Today: Making Time for You is Good for Your Kids

Today, I've got a vintage post over at Psychology Today on why making time for you is good for your kids.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post! 

Diverse Equals Unhealthy?: Talking to Girls About the 'Plus Size' Model Trend

A reader recently told me that her 13-year-old daughter is confused by all the talk of magazines using "plus size" models. She thinks that promoting diversity of female body shapes means that magazines are promoting being overweight.

It is sort of confusing, isn't it?

There's a lot of confusion surrounding the very definition of "plus size." After all, the models who are labeled "plus size" in magazines look an awful lot like the women we see around us everywhere -- at the mall, in the grocery store, at PTO meetings. Maybe it'd be a more accurate description if we referred to the typical runway model as an "under size" model.

But I digress...

I think a discussion of healthy bodies has to put labels aside and focus on one simple question: Are you the healthiest version of the body nature has given you through genetics? You could take 10 different physically fit women and line them up next to each other and they would still look very, very different.

That's diversity.

It's when we forget that and focus on one body type as the "ideal" that we run into body image trouble. When we present our daughters with magazines that show only one type of body or hair color or skin tone as beautiful, we teach them -- consciously or not -- to value what they see as the ideal. We teach them to ignore the diverse beauty around them in favor of one -- perhaps for them, unattainable -- beauty "goal."

By showing a range of models with different body types and calling them all beautiful, magazines can have a significant impact on our body image culture. I dream of a day when the ultimate question my daughter asks herself isn't "Do I look like her?" but rather "Do I look like the healthiest version of me?" If she's eating well, treating herself occasionally, getting regular exercise and speaking kindly about her body, she can look in any mirror with her head held high and answer "yes."

That's how we can begin to teach our daughters that beauty comes in many diverse shapes and sizes.

I interviewed a woman for You'd Be So Pretty If... who told me that when she was a teenager, she was the largest of her group of friends, though she was a healthy weight. She came to a realization that I'll never forget: "I wasn't overweight," she told me. "I was over their weight."

I can relate to that. Can you?

Mother-Daughter Disclosure: How Much Is Too Much?

When I was writing my book, You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own, I was nervous. It's a revealing book, not just for the women and girls I interviewed about their bodies, but for me, too. I shared a lot of my inner feelings and negative thoughts about myself in its pages and I worried about what people might think.

But the person I worried most about was my daughter.

I wrote the book because I wanted her -- and other moms and daughters -- to understand that what we tell ourselves about our bodies shapes who we are. That what our mothers said about their bodies has affected us. And that with conscious effort, we can change things, not only for us but for future generations, too.

Still...it's not easy to be vulnerable in front of your child. After all, we're their safe place -- the world can be falling apart, but if mom tells you it's going to be OK, somehow, you know that it is.

I've been thinking about this again after reading this post over at "We Are the Real Deal." In it, you'll see that a mom decides to share the story of her eating disorder with her 10-year-old daughter.

I wonder what her daughter thinks.

Is she devastated to find out that her mom is human after all, with fears and doubts and frailties? Or does she feel very grown-up because her mom has taken her into her confidence and shared a secret with her? Or perhaps, her daughter feels relieved because she now understands what's been behind the behaviors that she'd already noticed in her mom -- things that might have made her mom seem "different" from other moms.

As my children will attest, I don't shy away from talking about difficult subjects. Though I try to keep the conversation age-appropriate, I'm a firm believer in the fact that talking about difficult subjects and fears and things that make us feel bad takes away their power. But I also try to think about the end goal of the conversation: There's a big difference between blurting out "I hate my thighs" and saying, "Sometimes, I don't feel good about the way my body looks."

Running yourself down with constant criticism will, over time, likely have a negative impact on your daughter and her developing body image. But opening the door to a conversation about body feelings by sharing some of your own -- in a gentle way -- lets her know that nobody (even mom) feels good about herself all the time and that a negative thought now and then doesn't doom you to a life of body hatred.

It's hard sometimes for our daughters to see as human beings with feelings. But a little age-appropriate disclosure can go a long way.

"Are You Worth Getting to Know?" at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about Howard Stern, Gabourey Sidibe and how we judge one another based on appearance over at Psychology Today.

I'll see you back here on Monday with a brand-new post. 

Teachable Nutrition Moments

Recently, my daughter came home from school complaining that she's "always starving" by mid-morning at school and that she was embarrassed because her classmates could hear her stomach growling.

Ah...a teachable moment.

If you're a regular reader, you know I'm pretty hands-off when it comes to my kids and their food choices. I make every effort to set a good healthy eating example and I try to offer healthy choices at most mealtimes, but I don't micro-manage every bite that goes into their mouths. Food can too easily become a power struggle and it's one in which I simply refuse to engage.

Personally, I'm a big fan of lean protein, fruits and vegetables, and complex carbs, and my kids see me eat that way. Breakfast for me is often steel-cut oatmeal with blueberries, whole-grain toast with peanut butter or Greek yogurt with berries. They, however, tend to like the bagels, waffles and other carbs that burn off quickly.

We've had talks about energy and protein before. They probably know more about nutrition that the average kid does. But within reason, I still let them make their own choices.

So when my daughter complained of morning hunger, I took the opportunity to mention the value of lean protein one more time. OK, she said, she'd try it.

The next morning, she asked me to make her something "good" for breakfast, so I made her an egg white and veggie sausage sandwich on a whole-grain English muffin. When she came home from school that day, I heard the words that every mother of a 14-year-old longs to hear:

"You were right, mom."

For me, those are the best kind of victories -- those everyday moments when my kids try something new or make a healthy change all on their own. It's in those moments that they realize that what they eat and how they move affects how they feel. I could talk and talk until I can't talk anymore about the value of healthy eating...but nothing beats having my daughter decide on her own to make a healthy choice and really feel the difference in her energy level. 

It doesn't always happen this way. But when it does, there's just one word for it: Sweet.