Mother-Daughter Disclosure: How Much Is Too Much?

When I was writing my book, You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own, I was nervous. It's a revealing book, not just for the women and girls I interviewed about their bodies, but for me, too. I shared a lot of my inner feelings and negative thoughts about myself in its pages and I worried about what people might think.

But the person I worried most about was my daughter.

I wrote the book because I wanted her -- and other moms and daughters -- to understand that what we tell ourselves about our bodies shapes who we are. That what our mothers said about their bodies has affected us. And that with conscious effort, we can change things, not only for us but for future generations, too.

Still...it's not easy to be vulnerable in front of your child. After all, we're their safe place -- the world can be falling apart, but if mom tells you it's going to be OK, somehow, you know that it is.

I've been thinking about this again after reading this post over at "We Are the Real Deal." In it, you'll see that a mom decides to share the story of her eating disorder with her 10-year-old daughter.

I wonder what her daughter thinks.

Is she devastated to find out that her mom is human after all, with fears and doubts and frailties? Or does she feel very grown-up because her mom has taken her into her confidence and shared a secret with her? Or perhaps, her daughter feels relieved because she now understands what's been behind the behaviors that she'd already noticed in her mom -- things that might have made her mom seem "different" from other moms.

As my children will attest, I don't shy away from talking about difficult subjects. Though I try to keep the conversation age-appropriate, I'm a firm believer in the fact that talking about difficult subjects and fears and things that make us feel bad takes away their power. But I also try to think about the end goal of the conversation: There's a big difference between blurting out "I hate my thighs" and saying, "Sometimes, I don't feel good about the way my body looks."

Running yourself down with constant criticism will, over time, likely have a negative impact on your daughter and her developing body image. But opening the door to a conversation about body feelings by sharing some of your own -- in a gentle way -- lets her know that nobody (even mom) feels good about herself all the time and that a negative thought now and then doesn't doom you to a life of body hatred.

It's hard sometimes for our daughters to see as human beings with feelings. But a little age-appropriate disclosure can go a long way.

Comments

[Melissa]

Awesome post, and I loved the anonymous blogger's post at WATRD as well. I do think age is a determining factor in when sharing something as profound as an eating disorder ... not sure if the my blog will be around in 1 yr, let alone 15 (I don't have kids yet!), but Google is a mighty thing and I think I'd want to be as up-front and honest as possible.

From reading your book, it sounds like you had a very honest open conversation with your daughter and I commend you on that.

I always think transparency is better than hiding things under the rug ... especially when they can help someone else.

[love2eatinpa]

hi! one of the watrd contributors just sent me the link to your blog. i am the one who wrote that post and now i'm so excited to find your blog because i need to keep myself as informed about this topic as possible. and hey, thanks for the shout-out about my post.
thanks for being here, look forward to my subscription to read more!
(www.confessionsofacompulsiveeater.com)

[Julie]

Great post Dara. I do think the age appropriateness factor is significant here. I also think it probably common sense that if someone as a Mum is really struggling with an issue and for example can't talk about it without breaking down or getting really anxious - that is not the time to talk about it with a child/teen. Best to do some personal work first and talk about it at a time when stronger.

[Sagan]

I think there's something to it on the opposite end, as well... daughters disclosing THEIR insecurities to their mothers. I think that mothers tend to be so protective of their daughters that sometimes they aren't aware of those insecurities or what goes through their daughters' minds. So it takes some amount of disclosure for a daughter to be willing to talk to her mother about her honest inner voices, too.