you'd be so pretty if...

Guest Post: Randi Shafton on Bullying, Confidence and Role-Modeling

The tween and teenage years can be turbulent ones, full of self-doubt and angst. There is a tremendous amount of hormonal, psychological, physical and biological flux. In addition, there is a culture that requires girls to be aggressors, competitors, pleasers and at the same time, be models of female perfection 100 percent of the time.

The statistics are staggering: Every hour and a half, a teenager tries to take his or her own life. Many are cyber-bullied on websites. Statistics also say that 43% of teens are exposed to cyber bullying, but the scariest part of all is that only one in 10 kids tell their parents.

The adult tendency to “look away” or underestimate children’s cruelty to other kids as “kids will be kids” needs to be held in check.  Bullying is serious in and of itself -- and bullying kids grow up to be bullying adults. We as parents need to see the signs, step in and act.

We must give our daughters the tools to choose the right relationships and manage conflict. The tools listed below will help to reduce bullying and aggression and hopefully, help build a tween’s self-confidence as well:    

• Don’t be owned by a clique
• Don’t be reliant on other kids for your happiness
• Learn to say no in the face of opposition
• Act confident. It's the first step to feeling confident
• Take control of friendships and set clear boundaries and limits
• Talk, talk, talk about bullying. Encourage confrontation and "out" the bully

Female role models can make a huge difference in the life of young girls. The truth is that if you are a mom, your daughter already has a powerful role model: You. Like it or not, she is learning what it means to be female by observing you in your day-to-day operations. If, as a parent, you are modeling positive interaction, ethical and kind behavior, chances are you will help to raise a daughter with the highest character.  

Randi Shafton is co-founder and chief operating girl of  www.girl360.net. She says, “I want my daughters and all young girls to learn about bold and accomplished women. I want my son to grow up admiring such women – and yes, learning from and emulating them. All of our children should know that there are girls and women who dream and succeed with a cape and boots just like Spiderman. Daring and verve are not just for boys!”

Jillian Michaels, We Need to Talk...

By now, you might have heard some of the flap over an interview with Jillian Michaels in the latest issue of Women's Health magazine. I haven't seen the actual article, but she's being widely quoted all over the Internet as saying that she plans to adopt a child because "I can't handle doing that to my body."

I'm a firm believer that every woman's body is her own and what she does with it is her choice. I fully respect Jillian's right to create a family any way she sees fit.

But I will admit to being fairly outraged at the implication that pregnancy "ruins" a woman's body -- and at the message that implication sends to our daughters.

If you read this blog regularly or you've read my book, "You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own," you know that I spend a lot of time talking about the body image messages we moms send to our daughters, not in what we say to them about their bodies, but in what we say to them about our bodies.

And there aren't many messages that are more damaging to a girl's self-esteem and body image than hearing, "Having you ruined my body."

Teaching girls to love their bodies is about teaching them to make the most of who they are -- not who they wish they were. That message starts with moms who embrace and make the most of who they are.

I thought that's what Jillian was about: Helping people make the most of who they are through healthy changes and choices.

Given the response that Jillian's comments have sparked, I figured she'd be responding in some way. Here's what she had to say about the interview on her blog.

Essentially, she says, her choice is about "remnant body issues left over from childhood." 

There's no denying that pregnancy and childbirth change a woman's body, and the physical form a woman has worked hard to achieve could be gone forever. But time, illness, aging, genetics and lifestyle choices also change a woman's body.

There are no guarantees.

Did having my kids "ruin" my body? No. But the experience certainly changed it -- and changed my attitude, too.

In the end, it's Jillian's choice to make. 

But someday, she just might have to explain it to her daughter.

Overheard: Does Size Matter?

Yesterday, I took my daughter shopping for some new shorts and as I waited for her outside the fitting rooms, a young teenage girl came out wearing one pair of jeans and holding another.

"Well?" said her mom.

"These are a zero," she said. "But they're a little tight in places."

"I think maybe you need to go up to a 1," her mom said.

"No, mom," she said. "I don't want to wear a 1."

"Well," sighed her mom. "As long as you can breathe."

As the girl turned and went back into the dressing room, her mom glanced over at me and shook her head. I just smiled.

That scenario, I think, is one of the trickiest mother-daughter shopping moments there is: When your daughter clearly needs to go up a size, yet telling her that feels -- to her -- like you're saying she's putting on weight.

Of course, at a certain age, girls are supposed to be putting on weight and it's a perfectly normal period of growth.

But they don't always see it that way.

I always encourage moms to make it about the clothes -- because it often is. My daughter knows that different manufacturers cut clothing differently and one's size 1 or 3 might be another's size 5 or 7. If it makes you feel bad to have to go up to a larger size, you can a) not buy that particular brand or b) buy the size you look great in and cut the tag out. Why not?

How about you? Does it make you feel bad if you have to choose a larger size in a particular brand of clothing? 

Does size really matter?

How Does Your Daughter See You?

Lately, it seems, television and movies have been filled with exasperated daughters rolling their eyes at their so-not-cool moms.

Or maybe I'm just extra sensitive to the eye-rolling right now. I do have a 14-year-old, after all.

My daughter and I were out shopping recently when I picked up a pair of pants.

"These are kind of cute," I said.

"No, mom," was all my daughter said.

We're big Saturday Night Live fans here at our house, so I couldn't help chuckling when I caught this video on Hulu:

 

My clothing choices aren't that bad. But still...her reaction that day in the store has me wondering: Does being a mom make you inherently uncool to kids of a certain age? Or have I started wandering down a bad fashion road?

How do you remember your mom? Was she cool, fashionable and someone you wanted to emulate? Or not?

'Your Body: Always On Your Mind?' at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about new research that shows we're often thinking about our bodies at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post! 

Family Weigh-in? No, Thanks.

Yesterday, Australia's Mia Freedman of Mama Mia posed the question of whether readers would -- or should -- do a weekly weigh-in for the entire family.

It's an interesting question, isn't it?

We don't keep a scale in our house. But we all see the doctor for wellness visits and we're weighed when we get there. I don't do what my mother did -- step on backwards and command the nurse not to speak the number aloud. Instead, I hear it with a certain detachment and sense of perspective. For me -- and it's also what I'm teaching my children -- weight is just one measure of health.

But it wasn't always that way.

There was a time that weight was not only a measure of health, but a measure of self-worth.

Here's what I've learned: Weight fluctuates -- for many different reasons. And because of that, a daily weigh-in isn't an accurate measure of much in terms of health. A weekly weigh-in might give a bit more information, but even that number is subject to many different factors.

Watching how the number changes over time can give some clues about health and lifestyle. But I prefer to evaluate other factors, too. How do my clothes fit? Am I eating well? Am I exercising regularly? How do I feel?

What do you think? Is a weekly weigh-in part of your family's routine?

Who Were Your Hollywood Inspirations?

OK, I admit it: I've been inspired by TV characters. And yesterday, I was sad to learn about the death of the actress who portrayed one of my favorites: Dixie Carter.

As Julia Sugarbaker on the sitcom "Designing Women," Carter embodied all the qualities I wanted to be when I grew up: Smart, savvy, successful, a great friend and funny. Oh, and she always looked polished while doing it. Sugarbaker and Candice Bergen's Murphy Brown helped set the stage for the idea that women can be smart, funny and successful. Neither was perfect, of course; in fact, the messes they got themselves into often resulted in great hilarity, but both were instrumental in shaping how I thought I wanted to be.

Am I actually like that today? I like to think I'm smart and funny (others may see me differently, of course). And I must confess that I do have some hilarious adventures, though I'm not sure they rise to sitcom-worthy status.

Another Hollywood inspiration was actress Demi Moore...what girl who came of age in the 1980s didn't want to be like Demi? I first spotted her as Jackie Templeton on the soap "General Hospital," but movies like "About Last Night" and "St. Elmo's Fire" sealed the deal -- she was cool, fun and beautiful and it all seemed utterly effortless. So when I recently spotted this item on Demi and her confession of early-career body loathing, I was reminded -- once again -- that no one is immune to body image pressures.

How about you? Who are the characters that helped shape your image of what a woman can be?

'Bodysnarking' at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about "bodysnarking" over at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post!

The Great Kate Debate

So, have you been following the big brouhaha in Australia over politician Kate Ellis and her decision to pose for a magazine feature wearing a tight leather dress and high heels?

Kate's taking a bit of a beating in the press because she's been an advocate for healthy body image and a voluntary code of conduct for magazines in that country -- and, yet, here she is looking sexy. The Australian press has alternately praised, supported and disparaged Ellis for her fashion and media decisions.

I wrote about this topic a while back when I asked the question about whether a message of self-acceptance -- of loving your body, "flaws" and all -- still has value when it's delivered by someone who appears to have never struggled with her own body image.

What do you think? Does Kate's photo make you value her message less?

 

You Look Better Than You Think You Do!

Today, I'm recovering from having 21 people in my house for yesterday's holiday dinner, so I'm sharing a post that originally ran back on my "Fit In Real Life" blog in 2008. Hope you enjoy it -- see you back here on Wednesday with a brand-new post.

It's Monday, and I've got great news: You look much better than you think you do!

Now, I know what you're thinking: It's the beginning of another week, I'm already exhausted and I just want to collapse on my couch. But please, hear me out.

Recently, I came across a story from the U.K. Daily Mail about a book called, The Beauty Prescription: The Complete Formula For Looking and Feeling Beautiful, by two doctors. Ever intrigued, I read about the authors' "prescription," fully expecting to hear a lot of same-old, same-old advice. Truthfully, there was a lot of same-old, same-old advice about good nutrition, good sleep habits, exercise, hair, make-up, etc. But I also found myself nodding in agreement with a lot of what the story said, especially this, "Your physical attributes are only part of what makes you attractive."

We've all seen her -- a woman who, by all standard measures of what's culturally considered beautiful, shouldn't really captivate us, but does so anyway. There's an elusive quality about her, and it's one that can't be measured by a scale, a clothing size or even a mirror.

It's called personality.

According to the authors, research shows that other people see you as 20 percent more attractive than you think you are. Why? Because you're looking only at your physical self (and probably picking apart your "flaws," too). They're seeing the whole package -- your warmth, your great laugh, your caring nature, etc. It's an entirely different perspective.

Perspective is a huge part of body image. Case in point: At 15, I can remember complaining to my mother about my "huge" thighs. "Look at them," I told her through tears. "They only look big to you because you're looking down at them," she said. "Stand up and look in the mirror." I did, and she was right. They no longer looked so enormous.

Perspective.

There's a full-length mirror in my downstairs bathroom that my friend, Julia, calls the "magic" mirror. "I love that mirror," she tells me. "I look so tall in it."  She's right; I don't know if it's tilted slightly or what, but I look really good in that mirror, too. So whenever I leave the house, that's the mirror I use for a final glance at myself. It's like a shot of confidence before I head out for the day. I feel better, and I'm sure I act differently because of that.

Silly? For sure. But it's all about perspective, isn't it?

Ever had a "light bulb" moment that shifted your body image perspective? I'd love to hear about it!