you'd be so pretty if...

Re-touching reaction

Thanks so much to all of you who commented -- and emailed me privately -- with your questions about mothers, daughters and body image. We had a wonderful discussion after my presentation last night.

We spent part of the time talking about re-touching and the effect that media images have on women and young girls. I showed some examples of re-touching and those who attended seemed shocked at the level of manipulation that's done to most magazine photographs.

Taking the time to talk with our daughters about how pictures are changed is really important. Rationally, we all know that photos are re-touched: blemishes are erased, thighs are made smaller and skin is made smooth. But when you see those changes with your own eyes? Well, it opens the door to a whole new way of thinking about the very images to which we compare ourselves.

Some of you have seen these links before, but they're worth a second glance. There's the Dove film called "Evolution," which offers a start-to-finish (although fast) look at how a model goes from fresh-faced to (truly unreal) billboard glamour. And there's a look at beautiful country singer Faith Hill on the cover of Redbook magazine (courtesy of Jezebel). You can also check out photographer Greg Apodaca's Web site, which lets you roll your mouse over the images to see the re-touching he's done. 

Amazing, isn't it?

Re-touching isn't a secret, but seeing it with your own eyes is enlightening. It's OK to look at pretty pictures in magazines, but remember to look at them just like you'd look at any other artist's work -- as merely a representation of that one artist's (or magazine's) vision of beauty.

And don't ever let your daughter -- or yourself -- make the mistake of thinking that's what we're supposed to look like.

Got a Question about Modeling Positive Body Image for Your Daughter?

Tonight, I'm giving a talk on how mothers can set a positive body image example for their daughters and I'd love to have some ideas for questions I can use to kick off a question-and-answer period...you know, just in case people are shy!

If you've got a question about how you can model a positive body image for your daughter or how you can help her deal with the media's influence, boys, mean girls, etc., please post it here. You'll be helping me out, and I promise to answer the questions you post over the coming weeks.

So...what's your positive body image dilemma?

Moms, Gather Your Girls and Look at This...

In my book, You'd Be So Pretty If..., I included a chapter on how media images affect women -- and girls. I talked about my experience as Shape magazine's Weight-Loss Diary columnist and how much my daughter learned about the "perfect" images we see in magazines when she accompanied me to a photo shoot for the May 2007 issue. It seems like I'm constantly talking about the fact that the beautiful models and celebrities we see in magazines simply don't look like that in real life.

I talk about it, yes...to anyone who'll listen, in fact. But still, I hear women say things like, "She's my age. Why can't I look like that?" or "She just had a baby and look, she's lost all the weight already."

There's an attitude that if a model or celebrity is our age or at a similar stage in life, we could look the way she does if we just work hard enough.

Clearly, it's our failure.

Not exactly.

First, let's consider the teams of people involved in the lives of most celebrities. There are nannies or babysitters or live-in grandparents to watch the kids not only while they work, but also while they work out, head to the spa and otherwise spend time doing the maintenance work that needs to be done to look a certain way. There are shoppers and stylists, manicurists and make-up artists, designers and trainers, all dedicated to the upkeep of a celebrity's image.

Please know that I'm not faulting them. Yes, there are clearly rewards to the celebrity lifestyle, but it's also clearly a lot of pressure and there seems to be very little forgiveness from an often fickle public.

Second, let's consider the amount of retouching that goes into the average magazine photograph. It's a lot. Really.

So to compare ourselves -- and find ourselves lacking -- is so unfair, I don't know where to begin.

Instead, I'll leave you with this, which came to me courtesy of another body image blogger. It's a Newsweek wrap-up of "the decade's most egregious retouching scandals," under the very apt headline: Unattainable Beauty.

Please, grab your daughter and take a look together. Talk about what you see. Talk about how it makes you feel. Talk, talk, talk about what beauty really is...and be sure to notice that all of these women -- Madonna, Faith Hill, Beyonce, Katie Couric -- are still beautiful in their "before" shots.

They're just not perfect. Neither are we. And that's OK.

Do I Still Have It?

On Monday, my friend Karen Bannan over at Natural As Possible Mom wrote this heart-felt post about her body image struggles. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I haven't seen the movie "It's Complicated" -- to which Karen refers in her post -- but I'm reminded of a scene from one of my all-time favorite movies, "Terms of Endearment."

Shirley MacLaine's character, who's about to get busy (for the first time in years) with her next-door neighbor, stands looking at herself in the mirror. As she runs her hands over her stomach and arranges her negligee, she never says a word. But we can read her thoughts loud and clear: Do I still have it?

It's a question we women often ask ourselves. Aging, motherhood, a too-busy schedule that leaves little time for exercise -- any and all of these things take a toll on our bodies. And when we look in the mirror and see that toll with our own eyes, it's hard to believe the men in our lives don't see it, too.

Yet they tell us we're beautiful. And we wonder: Does he need his eyes checked?

I'm kidding, of course.

But I'd be lying if I said that on the days when I'm focusing only on what I think are my flaws, it's a little hard to believe that my husband doesn't see them.

Then again...it's not.

Rarely do I notice the changes the years have brought to my husband; in fact, it's usually only when I look at old photos of us that I realize we're both changing. When I look at him, I see the same guy I've always loved...the one who makes me laugh, listens when I'm sad and ignores the light I read by when my insomnia's raging at 2 a.m. -- even though it wakes him up. I don't notice the changes in him...and he's as attractive to me as ever.

Wouldn't it be great if -- just once -- we could see ourselves through the eyes of the men who love us?

I loved this bit from Karen's post:

"And it hit me at that moment that I am so lucky. He really doesn’t see the small poof I have at my waist or the stretch marks on my inner thighs. All he sees is the woman he loves. And I guess that means that I have to love her, too."

That really hits the nail on the head, doesn't it? It reminds me, too, of something I often tell moms: If our daughters think we're beautiful and we do nothing but put ourselves down and point out our flaws, we teach them not to trust their own sense of beauty. We're teaching them that their opinion doesn't matter. By accepting ourselves -- changes and all -- we validate the feelings of those who love us.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Kate Winslet: Best Body, Best Attitude or Both?

In case you missed it, actress Kate Winslet topped a recent British survey of 2,000 women ages 18 and older, who were asked, "Who has the best celebrity body?" Aside from the inherently icky idea of asking women to "rate" other women's bodies and deem one better than the other, the survey's results are being heralded as a great step forward in women's body image because now, it seems, we finally prefer "curvier" bodies.

Do we? I really want to know what Kate thinks of this.

If you're a long-time reader of this blog, you know I'm a huge Kate Winslet fan. But it's not because of her acting talent, her beauty or her celebrity lifestyle. It's because she said this.

I happen to believe that the most beautiful women in the world are those who seem to be comfortable with who they are. It doesn't matter what size they are. Think about it: You probably know a woman who's larger than what our culture would consider "beautiful," yet there's no denying her attractiveness. I'm willing to bet that woman knows who she is and carries herself with charm and confidence.

Maybe this is just poll-taking finally catching up with Kate's self-confidence.

Project BodyTalk: How Do You Feel About Your Body?

Today, I'm thrilled to welcome Harriet Brown, author of Feed Me: Writers Dish About Food, Eating, Weight and Body Image, and assistant professor of magazine journalism at Syracuse University -- which just happens to be my alma mater! Brown has launched a new body image project called Project BodyTalk and she wants to know what you think about your body. Read on for more about this fascinating project:

Q: What inspired you to create Project BodyTalk? What do you hope participants will gain from taking part in this project?

A: I was inspired to do this based on my own experiences and on the experiences of many women I’ve talked to around these issues. I write extensively about food and body image and eating disorders, and my latest book is an anthology of essays on the same subject. So I’ve been talking to women about this for years now. I also teach magazine journalism, so I am keenly aware of the way bodies (especially women’s) are portrayed in media. The impossible ideals are relentlessly pushed down our throat on all platforms these days.
 
Q: When you speak with students about body image, what surprises you most?

A: What surprises me most, still, is how widespread and prevalent body dissatisfaction is. It has very little to do with what I think of someone else’s body; often a student looks gorgeous to me, but she still struggles with distorted body image, feelings of worthlessness, etc. And I guess I’m surprised, though I shouldn’t be, that things have gone backward in this regard since I was a teen. The pressure is worse, and the relentlessness of the images is far greater. But somehow I hoped today’s young women and men would be less vulnerable.

Q: Tell me about your own body image legacy. If you could go back and speak to your 13-year-old self about your body, what would you say? What might you say to your 35-year-old self?

A: Good question! I’d tell myself that I was not fat, that my body was strong and sturdy and beautiful (When I look back at photos of myself, I see that I wasn’t, in fact, fat. Not thin, either—in the middle). I’d want to get myself started at 13 listening to positive body image messages. I’m afraid at that age I bought the party line — that thin was beautiful and not-thin was ugly; that depriving yourself made you a better person, as well as making you thinner; that food was the enemy. Alas. At 35, I was embarking on my own body-positive journey. I’d tell myself, keep going!

Readers who would like to take part in Project BodyTalk can send an MP3 or MP4 file to Brown at hnbrown@syr.edu.

 

 

The Messenger and The Message

I have a question: Would you listen to me talk about the importance of accepting your body -- "flaws" and all -- if I looked like a supermodel? Would my message of how important it is to accept and make peace with our bodies so our daughters can learn to do the same for themselves still have value if you felt I'd never struggled with my own body image?

That seems to be the question facing some Australians right now.

Recently, Australia's body image advisory group released a proposed National Body Image Strategy that outlined a variety of initiatives designed to help Australian women and girls accept and embrace their bodies. Already, though, the strategy is being criticized -- not so much for its contents, but for the public faces associated with the campaign.

The problem? Minister Kate Ellis, Mia Freedman and Sarah Murdoch are simply "too beautiful."

Sigh.

Here's the thing: While my body image concerns aren't necessarily the same as theirs, I think you'd be hard pressed to find any woman who hasn't looked around her at some point and wondered if she's good enough...who hasn't felt "less than" in some way...who hasn't felt that she was being judged solely on her appearance -- even if that "judgment" is being called too beautiful to have or express a valid opinion.

De-valuing what a woman has to say because you find her too beautiful is as discriminatory as de-valuing what a woman has to say because you find her unattractive. Take a moment to read what Julie Parker of The Butterfly Foundation has to say on the subject. And tell me what you think...

Baby Steps...

By now, you may have heard some of the hoopla surrounding Glamour magazine's recent photo shoot featuring models who are "beautiful at any size." There's no denying that they are beautiful. But in a recent discussion I had, several people made the complaint that these women -- these perfectly "normal" women -- were being labeled "plus size."

I'm not even going to get into a discussion of whether the "plus size" label is good or bad. But I applaud Glamour for what it's doing and here's why: Women are talking.

From the national conversation that erupted after Lizzi Miller's photo appeared in the magazine recently to this particular group of models, women are discussing and analzying and arguing about what's real, what's fake and what's beautiful. And for me, that discussion is a good one.

Other people are complaining that magazines aren't making enough -- or quick enough -- progress toward showing a variety of female shapes in their pages. But let's take a look at the big picture. Traditionally, women's magazines have focused on selling an "ideal" -- something its readers will want to aspire to. For too many years now, that's been a one-dimensional ideal of thin as beautiful -- to expect all that to change overnight seems unrealistic. We know that beauty can be tall, short, dark, light, curvy or angular and slowly...slowly, magazines are learning that, too.

It's about baby steps, and Glamour's taking one, however tiny some readers may think it is. Think of this change like you might think of choosing to overhaul your lifestyle in an effort to get healthier: Everytime you choose to take a walk instead of flop on the coach or eat an apple instead of a candy bar, you're making a choice that takes you in the direction you want to go. While magazines like Glamour can't change the fashion or publishing industries overnight with broad sweeping changes, each choice to use a more diverse model or show an unretouched photo is taking us in the direction of more realistic portrayals of women and girls.

And that's a good thing.

What's Your Body Image Choice Today?

OK, I admit it: I read my horoscope every day (I'm a Pisces). I know it's goofy and silly and totally not true, but I do it anyway. And sometimes, I can see the parallels between what's "predicted" and what actually happens.

Today, my horoscope (courtesy of Holiday Mathis at Creators Syndicate) said: "You've been there for yourself all along, sometimes as a friend and sometimes as an enemy. Get back on friendly terms with yourself now with a little sweet talk in the mirror..."

I love that, because I so relate to it! And, of course, you know I'm going to tie it into body image.

When I think back to all the times I've been an "enemy" to my body -- criticizing, berating, treating it poorly, not appreciating its strengths -- I realize that the power to change my behavior -- and my attitude -- has always been with me (very Wizard of Oz, no?). What I tell myself when I look in the mirror really can shape my entire day. Do I see myself as healthy and strong? Then today I'll make time to work out and eat well. Do I see myself as not good enough? I might not pitch my editor that new story idea today.

In the end, we can choose whether to be a "friend" or an "enemy" to our bodies. If it's been a long time since you've been a friend to yourself, why not do as my horoscope suggests and start with a little sweet talk in the mirror?

Now, on to another topic that's somewhat related: Check out Self magazine editor Lucy Danziger's recent blog post admitting that the magazine retouched cover model Kelly Clarkson's photo in the latest issue. I want to know what you think, especially about her idea of only keeping the "perfect."

Comments, please...

Helpful or Hurtful?

So there I was, watching an episode of America's Got Talent with my husband and kids on Monday night when a promo for a new show called Dance Your Ass Off flashed across the screen. As overweight women and men in tight spandex costumes tried to master their choreography, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach.

In theory, the show sounds like a good idea: Contestants attempt to lose weight by making dietary changes and using dance as a form of exercise. I'm generally all for anything that encourages people to make better choices. But this? I'm just not sure.

Let's start with the show's self-described overview, which reads -- in part -- "[Contestants] shake and rattle their rolls in front of a live studio audience and a panel of expert judges." There's something in the tone of that description that just doesn't sit well with me -- frankly, it feels like poking fun. I understand that these contestants have volunteered to be on the show. But I'm uncomfortable at the thought of some viewers tuning in simply to make fun.

My kids wanted to watch the show, but I nixed that idea. And I quickly changed the channel.

What's your feeling on Dance Your Ass Off? Did you like it? Hate it?