you'd be so pretty if...

"Friends Can Be Bad For Your Body Image" at Psychology Today

Today, I'm blogging about the fact that friends can be bad for your body image at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Do Mothers Cause Eating Disorders?

That seems to be the question raging in the comments section over at Mia Freedman's MamaMia blog.

My short answer is no, mothers don't "cause" eating disorders. Eating disorders are complex problems with biological, neurological, behavioral and cultural factors at play.

But I can't let moms completely off the hook. A mother's words and actions can certainly fan the flames of eating-disordered behavior. Just look at some of the statistics Mia cites from an article in the U.K. Daily Mail:

• Almost four out of 10 girls in a poll of more than 500 teenagers said their mother had the biggest influence on how they perceived themselves.
• Two-thirds of those girls heard their mom complaining about her own weight -- yet 68 percent of girls described their mom's weight as "perfectly normal."

Moms -- and how we feel and talk about our own bodies -- matter to girls. There is simply no denying the influence. But influence isn't the same as blame; I'm sure there are many, many mothers who modeled healthy body image and healthy habits, only to end up with a daughter who struggles with an eating disorder.

My goal, always, is to be a place of refuge for my daughter. I want to be that place she goes when she needs to know that she is loved unconditionally, regardless of size, shape or anything she might imagine makes her "flawed" in some way. I want to be the place she goes when she needs to see what a real, albeit "imperfect" body according to media standards, looks like -- and to know that it's possible to live happily in that body. I want to be the direction in which she looks when she wants to see healthy habits like good food and exercise choices, and how to enjoy a hot fudge sundae or a piece of cake without guilt, fear and self-loathing.

But to be that place for her, I must first be that place for myself.

It's a tall order for any human being. As mothers, we face no shortage of guilt about what we're "doing" to our kids or how we're falling down on the job. That -- and the above statistics that Mia cited -- is why we moms have to look hard in the mirror and deal with our own body image issues. Not because we're "causing" eating disorders, but because we have that power to influence. Our girls are looking to us, no matter what and we get to decide what they'll see. Think about that. We get to decide.

What we choose to model is the one thing that we can control. The choice to model healthy habits and a positive body image may be one we need to re-make every day -- maybe even minute by minute -- but it's always ours to make.

Does that mean our daughters will never struggle with eating disorders? No, it doesn't. But an atmosphere of love and acceptance at home may help buoy her against some of the forces that can lead to an eating disorder's development. We can be that safe place for our girls.

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Want to be interviewed for a magazine?

Magazine writer Diana Kapp is seeking women in their 20s and 30s (mothers or not) who want to be interviewed for an article on how disordered eating and body image issues are passed through families, particularly mothers and daughters. If you've got a story you'd like to share, email her at dekapp@mac.com.

When You Think Your Daughter Might Have an Eating Disorder

Recently, after I finished giving a talk on how moms can be good body image role models for their daughters, I noticed a woman waiting to approach me. I smiled at her and she walked over. I could see the pain in her eyes when she said, "I don't know if this is something you know about, but..."

She then confided how worried she was about her college-age daughter. Always athletic, her mom said, lately, she's grown thinner and thinner. She's eating less, exercising more and she's obsessed with pinching a small bit of skin on her stomach and saying, "Look. Look at this." 

Whenever I write or speak as the author of You'd Be So Pretty If..., I always stress the fact that I'm not an eating disorders expert, nor am I necessarily an expert in how to overcome body image issues -- though I've interviewed many experts and women on the subject, and I've certainly had my own experiences. What I am is an expert at being a mom who spent a lot of time not feeling good about her body and now wants better for her daughter.

Although that woman may have been looking for expert advice, what she found was simply another compassionate mom. She was embarrassed and worried that her daughter's behavior was a reflection on something she'd done as a mother. She was frightened and afraid that she was going to lose her little girl in a downward spiral of body hatred.

I advised her to start by learning about the signs and symptoms of eating disorders, and to get a referral to someone in her area who she could talk to about what her daughter is going through. As moms, we don't want to believe that something as horrific as an eating disorder could happen to the child we've loved and raised.

But it can.

And we worry that it's our fault.

Today marks the beginning of Eating Disorders Awareness Week. This week is designed to call attention to eating disorders and body image issues, and to reduce the stigma surrounding them, according to the National Eating Disorders Association. If you're concerned about the behavior of a woman in your life (or your own), visit the resources section of the National Eating Disorders Association Web site. There, you'll find information, statistics and referrals to someone in your area who can help.

You'll also find stories of hope that remind us all that there is a way out of eating disorders.

You Tell Me: Does a Show of Skin Equal Body Confidence?

Today, I'm blogging about whether showing skin equals body confidence at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Teens, Peers and Body Image...Oh, My!

Today, I'm blogging about teens, peers and body image -- and what moms can do -- at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post!

Who Is That? It's the New You!

Last Wednesday, I wrote this post exploring how women feel about aging, a topic that seemed to strike a chord with many readers. I made the point that age is more about how you feel than the number of candles on your birthday cake.

Still, though...no matter how young we feel, time and our different life experiences do bring changes to our bodies.

I'm now at the age my mother was when I was a teenager and every so often, if I glance in the mirror with my head tilted at just the right angle, I see her face looking back at me. It's startling, I admit. It's not that I ever thought of my mom as "old" when I was a teen -- it's just that, inside, it's hard to believe I'm middle-aged. 

But I am...and I've got a teenager of my own.

While we may rationally know that aging happens to every body, those changes can be dismaying when we see them happening in ourselves. My skin gets really dry during the winter and just the other day, I looked down at my hand and thought, "Are my hands starting to look like old lady hands?"

Yesterday, I came across this Q&A with Gok Wan, the British host of "How to Look Good Naked." In it, he answers a question from a woman who, having gained weight over time, claimed to have been shocked when she saw her reflection in a mirror recently. I loved Wan's response. He said that a woman's body is constantly changing and "If you are suddenly surprised by your reflection, it means that you have ignored the change. You need to form a relationship with the mirror again."

That's the key, I think. For many of us, thinking about aging and the related changes it brings to our bodies (and our body image) makes us want to put our hands over our ears and say, "La la la la...I can't hear you." We look in the mirror and say, "Who is that?!" We think of aging as "losing our looks," rather than focusing on the positives that getting older can bring.

Like what?

For one thing, getting older brings most of us a truer sense of who we are -- and that brings with it a freedom from meeting the expectations of others. Think about that. In your teens, 20s and maybe even your 30s, maybe you were so caught up in how others saw you that you worried about having the "right" clothes, the "right" body or the "right" look. In my experience, that stuff has started to fall away as I've gotten older. My attitude now is, "This is what works for me." Those who don't like it simply fade away and really, I don't miss them.

I liked Wan's advice to "form a relationship with the mirror again." I second it. But instead of looking for the woman who used to be there, take a moment to notice -- really notice -- the woman who's there today. Don't forget: A healthy attitude toward getting older and an acceptance of who we are in any given moment is one of the greatest role model gifts we can give to our daughters -- and to the other women around us.

Let go of who you were and get to know the new you. You might just like her. 

Not What I Say About You...What I Say About Me

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day to all!

Today, I'm not going to so much write a post as I'm going to share one with you. Yesterday, this blog post popped up in my Google alerts. I thought it was lovely, so I'm passing the link along to all of you.

If you've ever doubted for one minute the effect that a mom's feelings about her own body can have on her daughter, take some time to read through the comments. And if you're looking for a lovely bit of parenting inspiration, scroll down to the comment from BrooksRainey and read how her dad handled her teenage angst over her yearbook photo. Brilliant!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: It's not just what we say to our girls about their bodies that makes the difference in the body image they'll develop. It's what we say about our own bodies -- and how we treat ourselves -- that has a lasting impact.

The Barbie Brouhaha

Hi all: I'm taking a blogging vacation this week, so I hope you don't mind if I pull out some vintage posts while I take a break. Here's one that originally ran back in March 2009, but its message is a good one for all those moms who are worried about the Barbie dolls their daughters got during the holidays.

Today is officially the 50th birthday of Mattel's Barbie doll and you know what that means...the Internet is abuzz with stories about all the ways that Barbie causes low self-esteem and body image issues in girls and women. I'll admit that while I played with Barbie dolls for a short time during my childhood, I was way more into my Sunshine Family dollhouse -- that groovy, happy family of hippies -- than I was into Barbie and all her associated glamour. In fact, my mother was none too pleased with me when I sold all of my Barbies and their "stuff" -- including a big pink plastic bus -- to a friend who lived a few streets over. My asking price? A few dollars.

But I digress...

Back to the issue of Barbie and whether she's harmful to the female body image. Here's my not-too-exciting answer: Maybe. You all know by now that I'm a common-sense kind of gal; if you've got a little girl who plays with Barbie non-stop and has begun talking about how she wants to look like Barbie, then maybe you've got a budding problem. But a little girl who plays with a doll and then puts the doll away to go out and run around with a soccer ball? Not so much.

The key, I think, is talking and as my kids will attest, I will talk and talk until I'm sure they hear me. You certainly don't have to launch into a discourse about cultural implications and society's oppression of women with a five-year-old. However, it's not entirely inappropriate to bring these topics up subtly in an age-appropriate way. For example, sitting down to play Barbies with a three-year-old might involve a discussion of what Barbie's going to have for lunch -- just as a reminder that healthy women do, in fact, eat. An older girl might enjoy a simple discussion about toy design that could start with the question, "If you were going to make a doll for other girls to play with, what would she look like?" The great thing about interacting with kids is that there are many ways to open the door to these topics...you just have to let their answers be your guide.

I get asked a lot about media images and their effect on body image and it's a topic I address in my book. My mantra is that all of these images -- Barbie included -- have the potential to be harmful if girls are left alone with them. What girls need most from us isn't heavy-handed declarations; instead, they need context. They need to know that Barbie represents one team of toy designers' 50-year-old thoughts about women and beauty. If you and I were both asked to paint a beautiful sunset, our pictures might have some of the same elements, but they wouldn't look the same. It's all about perception and interpretation.

Girls can get that concept...but they need moms to guide them. So the next time your daughter brings out the Barbie dolls, get down on the floor and play with her. It's a window into her world and a great way to subtly shape how she sees herself and her place in the world. 

Seeing a New Reflection

Do you ever get sick of your clothes? Or is that just me?

It's been a while since I added anything new to my wardrobe and as I got dressed yesterday, I was feeling, well...blah. Frumpy. You know those days -- when you leave the house feeling like you don't exactly look your best.

I've been writing about body image long enough to know that how we feel about the way we look has a major impact on how we approach our lives. So I wasn't exactly surprised when yesterday morning turned into a difficult one. I had a couple of major deadlines, but what I felt like doing was curling up with a cup of coffee and digging into the stack of magazines that have been piling up because I haven't had a chance to look through them. I decided to start a load of laundry so I could at least feel productive, but that required opening the door to my 13-year-old's bedroom, where -- as I suspected -- I found the floor strewn with dirty clothes.

Mumbling to myself about how many times I've asked her to just bring her clothes to the hamper (Is that so hard?), I bent over to pick up some clothes and as I stood back up, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror standing in the corner. What I saw took me by surprise: I looked lean and strong. The black jeans and red sweater I was wearing -- the same clothes I'd felt so frumpy in just a half-hour earlier -- suddenly looked good to me.

I felt my mood change immediately. But nothing really changed except my mood...and the mirror I was using.

It's easy to get mired in bad thoughts about our bodies, ourselves and our lives sometimes. But that image in the mirror was a great reminder that a reflection is only that -- a quick glimpse at a brief, singular moment. And that reflection can look different, depending on what tool we use to look at ourselves.

A different mirror allows us to see our appearance from a new angle. The next time you're tempted to focus on the negative, try adjusting your internal mirror. Sometimes, all it takes to see what's right about yourself is a simple shift in perspective.

Moms & Daughters: Tips for a Holiday Food Truce

With the holidays almost upon us, it's time for that annual tradition: The veiled (or not-so-veiled) criticism, passive-aggressive comments and "I'm just joking" teasing that often passes for mother-daughter communication during this time of year.

Whether you're an adult daughter heading home for the holidays or a mom concerned about her daughter's Christmas cookie habit, there's a good chance you'll hear something that makes you say, "What did she mean by that?" -- or, worse, makes someone else say that about you.

Here are a few bits to keep in mind this week:

• The only person you can control is you. If mom's pushing pie on you and you'd rather not partake, don't. It's that simple. On the flip side, mom, if you offer a treat and your daughter says, "No, thanks," try not to see it as a judgment of you, your cooking or your mothering. It's just pie.
• You don't have to voice every thought you have. If your daughter has, in fact, put on weight since the last time you saw her, trust me, she already knows. Telling her will just create bad feelings. On the flip side, daughter, if you've become a vegetarian since your last visit home, now is not the time to launch into a judgmental critique of your parents' meat-eating habits. Save it for another day.
• Watch the "helpful" suggestions that really aren't. Mom, if you're concerned about your daughter's weight, please don't say, "Wouldn't you rather have some nice salad?" when she reaches for the candied yams. If you don't want her to eat candied yams, just don't make them. No food should be off-limits to just one person at the table.
• Build the right kind of holiday memories. Alcohol, stress and fatigue can make many of us short-tempered and quick to speak. Remember that your words and actions are building memories -- do you really want your daughter to remember holiday dinners as events where she felt judged and not good enough? Trust her to make her own decisions about food and honor the person she is -- not just the outer package she comes in.